Hear me on diary of a CEO

It’s finally happened,
I’ve got an appearance on one of the biggest podcasts in the UK,
Maybe even the world?
Look mum,
I’ve made it.
 
Problem being,
I wasn’t actually invited,
I wasn’t even speaking,
You see,
Someone else was speaking for me.
 
After being sent a specific clip a couple of times,
I realised that a person I barely know had mentioned me,
Used me as an example of the dwindling state of cultural norms,
A single mother by choice,
He said,
Was a sub-optimal way of creating a family.
 
I actually don’t have a lot to say about it,
I don’t disagree with his sentiment,
And after an initial burst of frustration over the audacity that my story was being told for me,
I can agree with some of what he said.
 
But what got under my skin was the power dynamic,
The use of my ‘doing the best I can with what I’ve got’ real life story as a means to convince other people,
Other women,
To think more carefully about their choices,
Focus more on relationships at a younger age,
Which by proxy means less on their career,
Choose more wisely.
 
Look at this successful woman with a PhD,
She’s having to use a sperm donor to have kids,
It's fine for her,
But with the risk to kids of having only one parent,
Do you really want this to be you?
 
I could get into the myriad suboptimal marriages,
Parenting situations,
Nuclear family dynamics,
That even those people with ‘perfect' upbringings then get screwed up as a result of things being just that,
Too perfect.
 
But I’m not here for that,
There are hundreds of therapists that can give you more insight than I ever will.
 
I want to talk about the way I handled this situation,
Because in the past,
I’d have felt embarrassed,
Ashamed,
Judged,
And as a result of that,
Deflected this into anger towards others,
And realistically,
Lots of food to numb the shame that soaked through my skin.
 
Here’s what happened this time.
 
After listening,
I took some centring, grounding breaths to come back into my body,
Went for a walk outside to further regulate myself,
Let the rising cortisol come down,
Stop my heart rate racing through my mouth.
 
I vented to a friend,
Someone I trust that I knew I could be irrational with,
Who’d listen,
Validate the feelings that required it,
Simply listened to the rest without judgement.
 
I decided to sleep on it,
If I was still pissed the next day I considered mentioning it to the person,
Expressing how I felt, 
Not annoyance,
But distaste.
 
I asked myself,
When I wake up in the morning,
How do I want to feel?
 
And when I did wake up this morning,
Unsurprisingly,
I’d let it all go.
 
Firstly,
Because I genuinely don't think it was that bad,
But mostly because I made a choice,
A conscious decision to let it go,
Because it really doesn’t matter one ounce.
 
What other people think of me is none of my business,
Even if it’s shoved down my ear holes multiple times in one day.
 
We often get lost in worrying about the perception of others,
It’s why we justify our body changes before seeing someone for the first time in months,
Worry about using our voice and expressing our opinion,
Try to control everything meticulously,
Because god forbid,
Someone doesn’t like what we do.
 
But you have to stop worrying about the opinions of others,
They barely give you a second thought beyond a flippant comment or two,
Hopefully it’s not recorded on the biggest podcast in the world,
But you know,
The point still stands. 
 
You will never control someone’s opinion of you,
You’re simply wasting your life in the hope that you can,
By wearing the best clothes,
Losing the most weight,
Saying the right things.
 
Much like you’re wasting your life trying to get people to understand you,
As if everyone should share your values,
Understand your journey,
Get on board with your way of doing things.
 
You can only control how you show up,
How authentic you are with yourself,
How aligned you are with your own values,
And how accepting you are of letting the rest just wash over you,
Like an aesthetic little waterfall on an aesthetic little hike.
 
It’s a choice,
To imagine what others are thinking,
And when doing so, imagine the worst,
To dwell on these imagined opinions of you,
To listen to the opinions vocalised to you.

It's a choice,
And wouldn’t you rather choose peace?
I certainly would.