Why exactly is leaner, better?
When I’m naked,
When I’m alone,
When I'm with men,
I love my body bigger*,
But when I’m around fitness people,
It’s funny that my natural inclination is to notice my ‘thicker than usual’-ness.
*important to recognise my thin privilege here, regardless*
Anna and I hadn’t mentioned our bodies the entire week she’d been in Austin,
Apart from when expressing both our gratitude for our functioning menstrual cycles and rage at the pain they were causing,
But yesterday before we left,
We were having an (albeit brief) chat about it.
Something I’ve become super aware of the last few years is this trend,
That my ‘like’ for how my body looks is generally greater when I’ve got more body fat,
I prefer my ass with more wiggle,
My boobs with some remote juice,
And yet still,
In certain situations,
Around certain people,
I notice that my ‘like’ for it dissipates,
It’s like I remember,
Oh yes,
I’m supposed to want to be smaller.
I get compliments when I'm leaner,
From strangers on the internet,
Questions about what I eat and how I train,
Again though,
When I'm leaner.
This personal preference for thickness being silenced by the worlds desire of leanness,
It's the epitome of cultural influence,
This want for something that has no rationale,
Like ugly Balenciaga (*cough*) trainers,
Furry ugg boot sandals,
Both of which I have loved,
Despite being unable to objectively justify why they are better than my nikes and my asos tan slip ons,
When they are quite clearly,
Uglier.
Something that none of us question enough,
When we say to ourselves,
I want to be leaner,
I want a bigger butt,
Is actually,
Why do we want it?
As I write this email,
I’m in the back of an Uber,
The guy driving is educating me on psychedelics,
Playing some incredibly soothing soundbath music,
Much required after replacing my broken MacBook and last-minute panic buying a ‘formal’ dress,
Which by the way,
We don’t have much of in the UK for a reason,
They’re generally either ugly,
Uncomfortable,
Or about as exciting as oats without peanut butter,
But I digress.
This driver most notably just said,
It makes you realise how much all of this is just ‘stuff’,
And how we don’t question anything.
He’s right,
We don’t question anything that we’re told by society about our bodies.
Obviously you’d want to be smaller,
Obviously you’d want an hourglass shape,
Obviously you’d want bigger boobs,
Obviously you’d like abs,
If you had a choice.
Don’t you think it’s weird?
Have you ever stopped to question,
Why?
Why are abs more attractive than softness?
I’d like to give you some journal prompts today,
Use them to work through your ‘whys’,
Be that for changing your body,
Or changing any other part of your life.
Let’s say you want fat loss.
Your journal prompts are in bold.
Your potential answers (as examples), in italics.
Why is fat loss important to me?
Because I like to be leaner.
Why do I like to be leaner?
Because it’s more attractive.
Why is it more attractive?
Because society says it is.
What do I prefer?
I don’t know.
Why do I prefer that?
I don’t know.
Where do I feel my best?
Somewhere that’s balanced.
Why is being attractive important to me?
Because people I’ll get more attention.
Why is attention important to me?
Because I’m lonely.
Is fat loss the way to cure loneliness?
Or is there another way,
A better way?
Probably socialising more,
Reaching out more,
Dating more,
Being more authentically myself around others.
As always,
Many of my clients diet,
Most of them for health reasons,
Some of them for aesthetics,
And that’s ok because that’s what they prefer,
For their bodies,
They’re sure it is for themselves.
I encourage you to question everything you do over the next week,
Until we speak again,
Ask yourself,
Is this my own marker of success?
Or is this what’s expected of me?
Is this what really brings me joy and purpose?
Or is this what’s expected of me?
What’s my end goal with this?
And is this the right way to get it?
And ask yourself,
Why have I decided that one is better than the other?
