The downfall of self-awareness.

Me: here’s why I don’t date multiple people at once.

American men: we only date multiple people at once.

Me:


Of course I’d start spending more time in a country where the definition of dating is actually the one thing I’m actively moving away from.

I mean honestly,

Who has the time for multiple partners?

The desire to shave their legs that frequently?

The care to find out how 7 peoples’ days have gone?


As I venture into this new world of green flags and multiple partners,

I’m learning a lot about what healthy relationships ‘should’ look like,

What open communication sounds like,

What vocalising your needs feels like.


I could give you the granularity of attachment styles,

Could probably have one conversation with you and provide an unsolicited depiction of what I think is true in your relationship,

And could identify every single red flag I chose to ignore in my past relationships,

The red flags that eventually led to the downfall of said relationship.

Because the red flags we ignore at the beginning are almost always the cause of the demise.


On paper,

I know I look pretty chuffing clued in on the romance side of things,

But I’ve been single for a while,

And whilst casually dating quite a bit,

I’ve lived in a bubble of reading and writing and having all the answers without a person to challenge me in my actions,

I haven’t really had to flex those attachment muscles for real,

Of course I had my shit together.


I see this in my role as a coach and educator all the time.

It’s very easy to say we’ve healed our relationship with food,

When we don’t encounter any social occasions,

Have complete autonomy over our food choices,

And easily find a routine in our lives that gives us control and certainty.

Look at us being all flexible and health-focused.


Until something (or someone) comes along to challenge us,

Makes us put into action the stuff we’ve been learning about for so long.

Be that vocalising of our boundaries,

Having open communication about our feelings,

With them instead of our best friend,

Not faking orgasms,

Or putting unconditional permission to eat into practice,

Practicing self-compassion when we don’t follow our routine,

Or journaling when the last thing we want to do is acknowledge our feelings,

Let alone feel them.


My points here are three-fold:

The first. You cannot do this alone. You do not live in a bubble of textbooks and Instagram memes of total control and safety. You will be challenged repeatedly, and it’s these times that really allow us to put into practice what we so easily do when life is simpler. Having safety and security in our connections supports us is doing so.

Number two. You are never truly healed until you’ve been challenged. Treat these times as teachers, opportunities for learning, and when you slip up, which inevitably you will, reflect and do something different next time. We have to fuck up in order to learn.

Number three. Self-awareness is cool and all, but unless you’re taking action, it’s all pretty chuffing irrelevant. You have to take action.


With that,

I’ll let you know that Monday’s ETPHD podcast is covering love, dating and your relationship with food,

And I’ll also leave you with this:

“Contrary to many Western conceptions of the self as disconnected and atomized, operating in isolation using nothing but grit and determination, it turns out that close-knit connections to others are in large part how we grow into our own, fully expressed, autonomous selves.”


I’m always here.