Are you choosing a life of stress & control?
I often start these emails with my end point,
Then work my way back,
I like to know what I’m getting into,
Control issues I know.
But that’s actually the point of this email,
And I’ve surprised myself as I’ve written it,
Because I don’t think I’ve ever covered this topic before,
In however many years and however many thousands of emails,
I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this.
A legend that I work with said this week,
That she’d experienced a 30 day ‘average’ period for the first time in 5 years,
She’s no longer experiencing night sweats,
She’s “feeling ‘100x calmer’,
‘With another 500x to go’,
And that’s ok.”
As a result of this calmness,
Her libido is on the up,
Her work feels more authentic and natural,
She’s starting to notice the conversations in her head,
But rather than responding to them by doing more to silence them,
Is able to notice them and challenge them.
I’ve had a lot of conversations this week on this wavelength,
The wavelength of control,
Of hyperarousal,
Of living life from a place of ‘shoulds’ and external influences.
Over time we normalise this feeling,
Being hypervigilant,
Constantly on the go,
Restricting our food intake or choices,
The amount of fun we can have,
Always striving for more,
Or indeed,
Ruminating on the negative,
A constant undercurrent of low mood,
Apathetic towards the many vicissitudes of life.
Over time we internalise it,
Identify as that being just how we are,
As if overworking,
Being tightly controlled,
Unable to slow down and find peace,
Is part of our personality,
Who we are on a soul level.
Babe,
I’m an A-type Virgo with daddy issues,
You don’t think I used to feel the same?
Some of you reading this will think right now,
This doesn’t apply to me,
She’s talking to the ‘types’ of people who lose their period through restriction,
The perfectionists,
That’s not me.
Because you think this type of restrictive controlled personality has a certain look.
I was doing some research earlier around restriction and overeating,
And in study of nearly 1000 people,
“The mean routine restraint score was higher in the overweight/obese group than in the normal weight and underweight groups”,
According to BMI,
“Routine restraint was related to higher BMI”.
There’s an underlying narrative in fitness and health that we don’t talk about much,
That there’s just this certain ‘type’ of person who struggles with the need for control,
Rigid dietary restraint,
Struggling to rest,
Over-exercising or over-moving.
Then there’s this ‘type’ of person who struggles with a ‘lack of control’,
The foodies,
Those who find themselves overeating regularly without meaning to,
And often those are the people who want to lose fat.
But there is no ‘type’ of person who struggles,
I can’t tell by looking at you if you’re experiencing nervous system dysregulation,
And the direction of that,
If you struggle with restriction or overeating,
Overworking or lack of joy.
There’s often a crossover of struggles,
Because all of these habits are ways of self-regulating,
Of meeting our needs,
And if we don’t meet our needs away from these habits,
We can replace our dependence on one of them,
Say,
Restriction and control,
And find ourselves dependent upon another,
Say binge eating,
And then once recovered,
Another,
Say overworking.
We often stop ourselves from taking action and giving ourselves what we need by assuming we are a certain ‘type’ of person,
Because TikTok diagnosed you,
Because you relate to someone you saw online,
Because you ticked the boxes of a certain personality type.
But we are colourful human beings with myriad struggles and joys and experiences and drivers,
None of which can be diminished to a simple state of nervous system regulation or pattern of eating or body type.
Whatever is showing up for you right now is your truth,
Is part of your story,
And is trying to tell you something about the direction you need to take to support yourself,
To progress in this world.
Get curious about how things are showing up for you,
How you feel in your body as you read this,
Are you shoulders hunched,
Is your breathing shallow,
Have you found stress in your food or body today?
You’ll find the answer for what you need in that self-reflection,
In working with someone who reflects this back to you,
Not in a diagnosing Instagram reel,
In an expected outcome of a specific personality type,
In a self-diagnosis.
“Recovery is an unbecoming. My healing has been a peeling away of costume after costume until here I am, still and naked before God, stripped down to my real identity.” - Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior
I’m always here,
Em x
