I Was RAGING At This
Fuck the patriarchy (keychain on the ground, we were always skipping town)
Those words eloquently slipped out of my mouth whilst I enjoyed a veggie moussaka with my mum last night she’s recently discovered the 30+ plant based foods per week goal for gut health and man does she deliver on her dinners
I was absolutely raging, proper ‘feel it rising in your stomach woke up this morning feeling actual relief it was over’ mad
And when I practiced what I preach and journaled on it and spoke to someone I love about it I realised I was angry that I felt I wasn’t allowed to be angry
I was angry that I felt guilty about being angry
It fucks me off that I’m supposed to be patient and soft and accommodating when I’ve been wronged and if I’m angry I’m hard and shut off and avoidant and not being the right kind of woman
I’ve felt this before in various aspects of my life
When people have ripped off my entire business
Friends have broken my trust
Partners have let me down
We’ve all been there and many of us who identify as women have also been in the situation where we say it’s fine when it’s about as fine as Ross’ burnt hands after making margaritas
We let it go because what's the point in being angry about it it's much more zen and 'healed' to let it go
In fact it’s only in the past 12 months or so that I’ve found myself actually able to feel and allow anger. To vocalise that anger and not feel too bad about it.
Yet still, I often feel guilty when I get angry or vocalise a boundary
These things inherently feel anti-nice despite being totally valid emotional experiences and absolutely required actions
Women are supposed to be nice
Much like achievement and productivity and being maternal yet independent and successful but not so successful it makes men feel small
This double standard, this unrealistic expectation, it not only angers me some more (more so that sometimes I fall victim to it) but the invalidation and disallowance of real and raw emotion is toxic to our health
We must stay positive and kind and selfless all the time
Denying our lived reality, ignoring our emotions, it comes at a price
If you’re anything like past me 10 years ago, that price is seeking control or suppression in food, exercise and my body
If you’re anything like past me 10 years ago, not allowing yourself to feel anger leads to overeating or other unhelpful behaviours that will numb that anger
Then you can show up in the world as a nice, people pleasing, pleasant, not-too-emotional woman - the way they like us
They being patriarchy and societal conditioning – they not being all men
This isn’t about men
Why on earth are we still being guilted into being a nice woman? Why on earth are we still allowing that into our psyches?
Anger tells us something about ourselves, where our boundaries have been crossed, where we’re not staying true to ourselves. It points us in the direction of changes we need to make – we need to feel anger
It doesn’t make us too much, unattractive or less of a woman and the only reason patriarchy feeds us that lie is because anger makes us more powerful
And if someone around you believes that, then maybe they are in fact the problem, not your emotions
Glennon Doyle says it so eloquently (as ever):
Anger delivers important information about where one of our boundaries has been crossed. When we answer the door and accept that delivery, we begin to know ourselves better. When we restore the boundary that was violated, we honor ourselves. When we know ourselves and honor ourselves, we live with integrity, peace, and power—understanding that we are the kind of woman who will be wise and brave enough to care for herself. Good stuff.
Have a beautiful weekend
And if it’s sprinkled with rage, embrace that mother fucker and figure out what it’s sharing with you
Sorry for the language today (but not sorry for the rage it portrays) - I’m always here,
Em
