Are Your Choices Compassionate Or Cruel?

I haven’t seen that time in the morning since I last travelled to Austin,
5am for me these days,
Despite being a hustle-culture,
University lecturer – finishing a PhD – building a business – prepping for a bodybuilding show staple,
Is not a time I wish to see.
 
It just doesn’t float my boat,
Because no matter how hard I try,
I never get to bed before 930pm,
And as much as I continually create positive age beliefs,
Look to those older than me to support aging excitement,
Hello Pamela Anderson you absolute goddess,
At this age I demand more sleep,
And would often rather be doing that than literally anything else. 
 
Today I woke up at 5am,
Not least in part awoken by an undercurrent of travel anxiety,
Mostly because my mum was graciously driving me to the airport at 630am for my flight,
And I wanted to do my hashtag morning routine.
 
Your eyes are already rolling back in your head,
The vision ‘morning routine’ often creates is one of 44 minutes of yoga,
18 minutes of burning your retinas by starting at the sun,
Avoiding caffeine for 90 minutes,
Before checking your phone precisely 99 minutes after waking.
 
None of these things are even close to what I do.
 
I wanted to move my body a bit, 
Currently that looks like making my morning coffee,
Walking around the block with it for approximately 8 minutes,
Checking any urgent messages,
Before falling onto a yoga mat for another 6-12 minutes.
 
In an ideal world,
I’ll add on 10 minutes of meditation but honestly,
That hasn’t been happening of late,
We are all busy and can fall victim to the narrative that we don’t have time,
Many times we really don’t.
 
I was reflecting this morning of how my long flight days used to go,
I particularly remember one flight to LA during my competing days.
 
I got up before my flight to run because that would give me the most bang for my buck in steps,
And I wouldn't be able to walk for a while,
I’d stash protein bars in my cabin bag in fear the airline food wouldn’t hit my leucine threshold,
I repeatedly walked up and down the stairs at the back of the flight to bump up said steps,
And I raged at the audacity of modern day airlines not understanding vegetarian protein,
During the whole time of course,
Being preoccupied with whether I'd had 'too many meals' for crossing a time zone,
Unsure if I'd already gone into tomorrows calories.
 
Let's compare this to today.

I gifted my body with quiet before the sensory overload of an airport,
Gave her 8 minutes of sun salutations as an anticipatory de-compressor,
To release any tension I was carrying in my body,
Knowing the feedback she’d give my brain would result in increased travel anxiety if it was tense, tight muscular feedback,
And I actually haven’t packed any protein bars,
Because my gut doesn’t cope well with air cabin pressure (as many don’t),
The last thing it needs is polyols-induced plane pain,
I can let the anabolic response of my muscles relax for a day or two,
And I'm actually buzzing for 9 hours of no wifi,
No phone,
Time to sleep ,
Only to be interrupted by someone handing me food that I don't have to cook or clean up after.
 
If you look at the actions of my past self,
Without the intention behind them,
You’d be right in thinking,
There’s nothing inherently wrong there. 
 
But with context and awareness of intention,
In comparison to my today self,
Which of course is far from perfect,
It's obvious that past me was acting from a place of fear,
Control,
Rigidity.
 
Whilst current me,
That’s from a place of compassion,
Care,
And ultimately body respect.
 
I can tell you which one feels more peaceful,
More intuitively led,
Where the voices in my head are quieter,
Which feels calmer in my nervous system.
 
This is the side of improved body image that isn’t articulated well,
The side that simply shows peace,
A sense of ease in your thoughts and behaviours. 

Someone I work with this week was so eloquent when she said,
My body feels homely at the moment,
Being in her feels much safer than it has forever.
 
I wonder if you can look at your actions this weekened and consider,
Are my actions driven by external rules, expecations and shoulds?
Or are they driven by a want to care and respect for my body?
 
Are my choices determined by the loud voices in my head?
Or are they determined by what I feel I need from inside my body?
 
Do I feel a sense of calmness in my choices?
Or a sense of urgency?
 
Something to reflect on,
Journal on,
And consider,
How would it feel to make decisions from a place of calm,
And of body respect?
 
And I guess too,
Do you even want to respect your body?

Because often,
We assume that if we respect her,
We'll stop 'improving' her,
'Improvement' is a topic for another day
Which doesn't actually happen,
And generally,
We see the complete opposite. 

Have a lovely weekend,
I’m always here,
Em x