Your relationship with food impacts your life in endless ways - in fact, many more than you’re probably aware of. It affects how you make food choices, how you enjoy food, how you socialise, how you structure your days, how much time you spend thinking about eating… The list is endless. 

Ask yourself: how is your relationship with food? If you instantly think “I allow myself to eat anything, so I must have a positive relationship with food,” you need to press pause. It’s time to really scrutinise how you feel about food and eating, and whether your food habits, eating behaviours and food dislikes could be more sinister warning signs in disguise.

The truth is, it’s easier to lie to yourself and convince yourself that you have a good relationship with food, than it is to confront a problematic relationship and create lasting change. But it can be done, you can foster a positive relationship with food. The first step? Awareness, and a willingness and desire to create this change. 

So let’s dive into the deep end, and get into the tough topics to determine what your relationship with food is really like.

Does food hold a moral value to you? 

When you were growing up, chances are you were taught that some foods were “good”, and others were “bad”. While this may seem innocent enough, these teachings unknowingly instilled in you a sense of morality and value when it comes to food. When you ate “good” foods, you were likely praised, reinforced for good behaviour, and made to feel like you were well-behaved. Whereas when you ate too many “bad” foods, you may have been punished, deprived in some way, or condemned for your decisions or “lack of willpower”.

It’s no wonder many people attach a moral value to food as a result of this… And this conditioning doesn’t stop in childhood. Even today, you’re constantly told by social media, influencers, mainstream media, diet culture and so on, which foods you should be eating more of, and which you should limit or avoid. It’s natural that, after hearing these messages often enough, and for years on end throughout your entire life, you begin to associate your food choices as a reflection of yourself and your value as a person.

Ask yourself this: when you eat a “bad” food, or a less nutritionally-dense treat food, do you feel like you have to compensate for it later? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel like you need to earn it first? Do you feel like you’re lacking willpower or discipline for eating it?

And what about when you eat “good” foods consistently, do you feel proud of yourself or a sense of superiority? Do you feel more confident, more sure of yourself?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these, you need to look a little closer at your relationship with food. While it’s understandable you’ve attached a moral value to your food choices, and as a result your food choices affect how you feel about yourself and your value as a person, in reality your eating habits do not make you a worse or better person. A positive relationship with food involves recognising this core fact: food is just food. Nothing more, nothing less. What you eat doesn’t matter all that much - it doesn’t change who you are, or how loveable you are to yourself or to others. Fostering a positive relationship with food allows you to eat whatever you feel called to in the moment, and then move on without dwelling on it, needing to “make up for it” later on, or feeling like a lesser person for your choices and actions.

Food as fuel

Do you focus on the numbers when it comes to food? Counting calories, kilojoules or macros in order to ensure you stick to defined limits to prevent weight gain or changes to your body?

If you see food as numbers, and something that needs to be limited or restricted in any capacity, you need to shift this mentality to improve your relationship with it.

Instead of needing to control or regulate your daily food intake, think of food as exactly what it is: energy. Food energises you for the day ahead, it gives you the stamina to work, breathe, laugh, play, hug your loved ones. Without food, your body couldn’t sustain any of these functions – in fact, slowly it would begin to shut down the processes that keep you alive, unable to carry on without the fuel it needs.

If you think of your body as a car, and your food as the fuel which allows the car to run, it becomes clear how critical food is for your day-to-day life. Would you restrict the fuel you put into a car, and still demand it run as normal? Would you run the car into the ground, damaging the engine because you weren’t willing to refuel it to allow it to keep going? No. So why would you do the same to your body?

When you recognise food is fuel, and the more you fuel your body, the more you support your energy levels and bodily functions, you begin to shift away from this restrictive mentality surrounding your food intake and choices. It’s a key step towards improving your relationship with food.

Food as more than fuel

While food is inevitably an essential form of fuel for your body, it’s also more than fuel. While it’s important to recognise the need you have for plentiful, nourishing food each day, seeing food purely as fuel limits your ability to enjoy your food, and to eat for reasons beyond survival.

The truth is this: food is comfort. It’s nostalgia. It’s connection with others. It’s spontaneity. It’s culture. It’s pleasure. It’s emotional, and it’s enjoyable. And each of these are reason enough to eat the foods you love or feel called to – with no additional reason for eating required.

You don’t have to wait until you’re ravenously hungry or your energy levels have dropped and need replenishing to eat. You can eat for any of the reasons mentioned and more – because you deserve to. You don’t have to earn your food, you’re inherently worthy of finding this joy and pleasure in food, simply because you exist. And as a result of your existence, you have the right to eat whatever you want, for whatever reason you want.

When you begin to recognise and appreciate that food is so much more than energy and fuel, you begin to remember what it is to truly enjoy your food. You become more present and engaged in your eating, and you can lean into the opportunity to eat and connect with others around you, and experience all the emotions that food can offer. You can release the judgment of yourself and your eating habits, and simply be when it comes to food.

This is critical in healing your relationship with food and eating.

Guilt or fear around food

On a similar note, if you’re experiencing guilt or shame around your food choices, or feeling the need to earn food or “make up for it” later on, this is a red flag that your relationship with food is not as positive as it should be.

If you feel fear around eating certain foods or food groups – be it fats, carbohydrates, “treat” foods, sugars, or whatever it is for you personally, this is another alarm bell.

As we’ve established, eating doesn’t just stem from necessity. It’s a pleasure, and it’s an inherent right you have as a result of your existence. You never have to earn your food, or compensate for something you’ve eaten. Instead, work on sitting in the guilt or fear when it arises, and ask yourself: is this food decision really as detrimental or scary as I’m making it out to be? What’s the worst thing that will happen if I eat this food? Does it justify this level of stress and panic?

Almost all of the time, the answer is no. If you’re worried about weight gain as a result of one or a few food choices, don’t be. It takes a consistent energy surplus to gain weight, so one meal or treat (or even several) won’t make you suddenly gain 5 kgs overnight. But even if it did, is that really the worst thing on earth? We’ve been taught to fear weight gain and body fluctuations above almost anything, but this view is unhelpful and unhealthy.

When you’re so fixated on the size and shape of your body, this detracts from your ability to enjoy and appreciate life. Instead of leaning in and enjoying a slice of your favourite cake, it becomes shrouded in guilt and panic. Instead of embracing a celebration with friends and allowing yourself to eat whatever you feel called to, you’re imprisoned in your own head, plagued with calculations and thoughts about why you shouldn’t be enjoying the foods you’re consuming. This is no way to live!

It’s up to you: would you rather focus on living life to the fullest, and release the hold and obsession with controlling your body to keep it exactly how it is? Or would you rather continue obsessing, and feeling limited by your fears and guilt, unable to enjoy the special moments in life which so often involve food?

Spend extraordinary amount of time thinking about food

How much time do you spend thinking about your next meal or snack? Do you immediately jump to planning your next meal as soon as you finish eating? Are you constantly trying to restrict the amount of food you consume, and as a result spending the majority of your time thinking about food and how you can control your intake?

If you’re spending an excessive amount of your mental capacity thinking about or planning your food and meals, this is another warning sign that you have work to do on your relationship with food. Because the truth is this: food is just food. It doesn’t command your full attention, hour after hour. You can get to a place where you eat, then you move on until you’re next hungry, or feel like eating.

When you have a positive relationship with food, you don’t feel the need to obsess over food, or plan every morsel you’ll consume throughout the day. You recognise that eating can be spontaneous, you’re able to indulge when you feel called to, you can fulfil your cravings when they arise. You don’t place the same weight and importance on food because you know there is food in your near future, and whatever food that may be will nourish you and leave you feeling satisfied and content. This is what a positive relationship with food looks like. Imagine that feeling of security, and peace… It’s possible!

Spontaneous eating occasions

Can you embrace spontaneous eating occasions, or do they trigger stress, fear and panic for you? If you’re hanging out with friends, and one of them suggests going for a burger and fries, can you embrace the opportunity without spiralling into anxious thoughts? If you go to your family’s house for dinner and get served something you’d never cook for yourself, can you enjoy the chance to try something new, or are you plagued with fear and guilt the entire night instead?

Being able to lean into spontaneous eating occasions is so important when building a positive relationship with food. As we’ve established, food can be connection and pleasure, something to share with the people you love. Don’t miss out on that opportunity. Recognise that whatever you decide to eat isn’t the end of the world, and won’t have enormous consequences. You don’t have to make up for it later. It’s simply something you ate. Eat the meal, focus on embracing the chance to share the experience with those around you, and then choose to move on without dwelling on it. Food is only as powerful as you allow it to be.

Can you stray from your routine?

Do you find yourself eating in a rigid, routine way most of the time? Perhaps you’re extremely strict on your eating throughout the week, then you “allow” yourself to indulge over the weekend? Maybe you feel stressed whenever you deviate from your carefully constructed meal plan. Perhaps you only allow yourself to eat at certain times of the day, or limit yourself to certain foods and food groups.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself how it would feel to deviate from this routine. Whether it’s while you’re travelling, or even in your regular life, it’s important to be able to embrace change and the chance to stray from these carefully constructed rigid routines and rules you’ve built up over time. The problem with routine is that it keeps you “stuck”, and tends to become more and more limiting over time. Maybe you start off by reducing your sweets intake throughout the week. Then, you might move to cut out all added sugars from your diet. Next, you might decide to cut out natural sugars too – including those found in fruit, which are incredibly beneficial for your health. It’s an inevitable spiral of restriction, limitation and misery.

It’s so important to keep changing things up when it comes to your food choices. Enjoy the opportunity to try new things, discover foods you enjoy which you’d never otherwise have allowed yourself to eat. Routine has a place, but being able to embrace change, spontaneity and freedom is even more important when it comes to building a positive relationship with food.

Are you convinced you hate or dislike foods or food groups?

If you have a long list of foods or food groups which you believe you dislike or hate, or are intolerant of, this may be a signal that you’re being controlled by food fears and rules in disguise…

For so many people, it’s easier to convince yourself that you don’t like a food, rather than admitting to yourself that you’ve actually classified the food as “bad” or “unhealthy” in your mind, and therefore banned it from your diet. Challenge yourself: write a list of the foods you “dislike”. Do you notice any patterns? Perhaps they’re all carbohydrate-based foods, or maybe they’re all “treats” or desserts. If you can see similar trends, try introducing one of the foods on your list back into your diet. You might need to try eating it on several occasions to give yourself the chance to overcome the fear surrounding the food.

Ask yourself: do you really dislike the food? Or was it your fear and food rules talking, convincing you that you disliked it? You may be surprised by the answer.

What does a positive relationship with food really look like?

You might be wondering how you know when you’ve reached the elusive healthy relationship with food. A positive relationship with food requires the following: freedom, flexibility, feeling and fun. You should feel free to indulge in any foods you like without feeling guilty or needing to compensate for your choices, and be able to embrace social and spontaneous eating occasions without immense panic or stress. You should be flexible in your dietary patterns and choices, and include all foods and food groups unless you have a medical reason or a true dislike of a specific food. You should be able to tune into how you’re feeling, and what your body needs and craves in a specific moment, and honour that feeling without question or guilt for doing so. And you should be able to have fun with your food choices - remember, food is emotion, connection and fuel, embrace it!

In short, a healthy and positive relationship with food involves giving yourself unconditional permission to eat (and enjoy) any and all foods as you feel like, without any caveats or rules impacting your choices.

Being honest with yourself is the key to beginning to improve your relationship with food. You can only begin to heal the relationship when you can become self-aware, and start practising noticing the occasions where your fears, rigidity and restrictive attitude towards food come into play and begin impacting your food choices and eating behaviours. Then you can recognise how much it’s impacting your daily life, and both your mental and physical health. And you can decide to take action, and commit to making the changes to foster a positive, healthy relationship with food – one that encourages spontaneity, pleasure, diversity and enjoyment of food. After all, food can be one of the most rewarding things in life – if only you give yourself permission to experience all the positives that food has to offer.