You're using your smart watch all wrong

You’re at risk of bottoming out, make sure to get some rest so you don’t die
 
Alright Garmin pal stop mocking me I am doing my best but my nipple gremlin has a fever and I can’t stop coughing and my only rest is vertically against the wall whilst I hold said 7kg nipple gremlin
 
What’s a girl to do?
 
Last week was up there with one of the toughest weeks of parenting so far. At one point my mum found us rocking deliriously by the window and when asked what I was doing, words failed me. I didn’t actually know (now I can reflect intelligently and assume I was partaking in some restorative rocking as a means of somatic self-regulation – definitely intentional).
 
Last month, I looked out my Garmin smart watch. I haven’t worn it since it came off in the labour ward, mostly because I don’t need the sleep shame. I’m a big proponent of the expectation effect, as well as placebo. If my watch tells me I’m going to be exhausted, that I didn’t get a restorative peaceful sleep, I fear I’ll feel that way regardless of my reality. No one needs that when they’re clawing their way out of the newborn trenches.
 
I started wearing it when I began to feel a little more like my body was my own again. This is still hit and miss and I often still feel as though my body has been reclaimed by my son, seeing glimmers of reconnection in my twice weekly gym sessions or stolen 10 minutes of yoga. 
 
Last week, it told me I was about to die. 
 
You think I’m being dramatic, but short of saying those words, it was aggressively targeting my rest. Every morning I woke up (to be fair, feeling like trash regardless), to look at my body battery (a combination of heart rate variability, heart rate, stress and sleep quality) and be greeted with a 5 out of 100 (for reference, an average night should create a body battery for me of between 80-90).
 
I recognise I’m at risk of becoming the loser who shares their smart watch data (no one cares except you), but it made me reflect on who I used to be. And actually, feel a little ashamed of how I treated my body back in the days of Yore and apothecary tables
 
When I used to get sick, I’d still move my body. It was almost an impossibility that I wouldn’t leave the house every day to move my body in some way, ‘just to get some fresh air’. 
 
I could be on deaths door and still be telling myself the lie I’d feel better if I just moved my body and got outside. Still justifying my need to avoid being totally at rest. God forbid I ate that day and didn’t move my body
 
If I had a Smart Watch back then, I’d like to think I’d see the 5/100 body battery and think, christ alive your body needs rest. Walking will drain your battery more. Movement will exhaust an already exhausted vessel. You need to lie in bed and recover.
 
But I know I wouldn’t. I know I’d ignore it and continue to move, despite it causing further harm to my body. I would be the exception. My body just needs movement, it’s what it knows. A gentle walk never hurt anyone. 
 
When I asked you on Instagram, 70% of you said your smart watch made you move more. This makes sense. The gamification of movement is their core goal. Yet only 7% of you said it helped you move less.
 
What are we doing? Why are we using these external gauges of our health and fitness to shame us into doing more, regardless of our need to do so, without using them for our actual health? Because if we were doing that, we’d be resting when our watches told us to, too.
 
It’s because we all think more is better. More exercise. More productivity. More distance. More money. More more more. Do do do. Achieve achieve achieve. Stopping only when we hit the point of sheer incapacity. When we’re forced. When hitting burnout. Injury and illness. 
 
I don’t know about you, but when I turned about 32 I realised I was tired of the race for always doing more. I stopped subscribing to it and I’ve never looked back. I considered, what’s aligned with my values? What shows my body and my soul self-respect and love and care? What brings me joy, so that I can continue to bring others joy?
 
It’s not easy, slowing down a bit. In fact, as I write this email I’m having a high anxiety day (my drive to eat an entire pack of freshly baked supermarket cookies is a really helpful torch to shine light on how I’m feeling) and it’s in part driven by my lack of ability to do everything I want to do
 
But am I doing enough? Yes. Am I resting when I’m sick to the point of FIVE OUT OF ONE HUNDRED body batter? Yes (as much as my equally sick baby would allow). Am I living in a space of self-compassion? Yes
 
I suppose I share this with you in the hope that you can check in with yourself today. How are you living? If someone looked at your actions and behaviours over the last week, what would they say you value? And would your body and soul be their answer?
 
Have a wonderful weekend.
I’m always here,
Em