I can’t concentrate,
I'm skeptical about the contents of this blog today,
Because really,
My brain is elsewhere.

My heart's running faster than me out the door of a secure relationship,
And it’s not because yet again,
The baristas in Albania have slipped me real coffee instead of decaf,
Since apparently decaf equates to blasphemy here.

I’m feeling anxious,
Note – I’m feeling anxious,
Not I am anxious,
Because wording it like this stops us from identifying with our feelings,
Makes them easier to handle and move through.
You feel something,
You are not something.

I woke in the night, anxious.
I woke up this morning, anxious.
I sat down with my chamomile tea (I know right), anxious.
As I write to you, anxious.

I avoided my morning meditation,
Forced myself to journal yet all I could write was a mere sentence or two,
With no release or solution,
Simply,
Surprisingly,
Just a lot of repetition of the word ‘anxious’.

I’m going to the gym soon,
Going to force myself to do some yoga,
Then take a walk in nature,
Despite the fact I break out in hives within a metre of anything green here,
Voice note my best friends,
Try to tackle some of the issues causing anxiety,
Because these are all of my coping strategies for challenging feelings.

I developed these when I realised a full pack of cinnamon buns and a stuffed crust pizza were indeed,
Not helping me cope at all,
But rather,
Were stopping me from accepting things all together.

What we resist, persists.

If I were to fall labia deep into a bowl of baklava right now,
What an image you’re welcome,
I’d be doing just that,
Refusing to acknowledge,
Refusing to come up with a solution,
Refusing to let this overwhelming anxiety pass through me,
And ultimately,
Refusing to let it leave.

You need to have some coping strategies for life.

You can’t saunter through thinking food and exercise and controlling your body are going to save you from every little uncertainty,
Or indeed ginormous uncertainty,
That you can stop yourself as a human from feeling this type of way simply by controlling your food or eating so much you can’t feel.

Food is not your only coping strategy,
Exercise is not your only release,
God forbid one day you aren’t able to exercise anymore,
But you choose to rely on those things,
And truthfully,
Often it’s because you enjoy it.

Yes,
Sometimes you enjoy using food as your coping strategy,
You enjoy having a ‘reason’ to overeat,
And I hear you,
It’s easier to blame the crippling anxiety for the way we eat,
Than to try and change it.

No one ‘likes’ feeling this way,
As much as I don’t think we should label emotions as good or bad,
There are some emotions that feel gross,
But they’re here to tell us something.

We can’t listen to them when we’re trying to escape them.

The point of this blog is two-fold.

The first?
Own your choices,
What are you using food and exercise and body control to escape from?
What would it feel like to sit with that?
Instead of suppressing or escaping from it,
Could you?

The second?
Develop some coping strategies,
Those that don’t involve your able body or your food choices.
And do them.

Don’t avoid journaling because it’s all too much,
Under the guise of ‘not having time’,
Avoid meditation because you ‘just can’t stop the thoughts in your head’,
That’s sort of the point.

Until you learn to accept your feelings,
Sit with them,
Accept that they are hard but they, too, shall pass,
And until you learn to cope with your own strategies,
Your obsessive tie to food, body and exercise will always be there.