Who are you, away from your disordered eating?

Hi I’m Emilia.
My favourite things to do are to be with my very best friends,
Be in nature,
Move my body,
And men.

My soul is alight when I feel completely connected with myself,
The universe,
And those that I love.

I value peace, connection, love, presence, and compassion,
I also value impact.

Who are you?

Notice I didn’t say,
I’m a coach,
A PhD,
A mentor,
An avid-gym goer,
A girlfriend.
All nouns(?) I’d have used to describe myself in the past.
None of which explain who I am.

“I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am Life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness. I am the Now. I Am.
Good old Eckhart.

Something that came up on this week’s team podcast,
Was the fact that so many of you are preoccupied by food,
Think solely of your bodies before an event,
Find your identity in being the ‘fit one’,
Or simply only know yourself as someone with disordered eating habits,
That you actually don’t even know who you are anymore.

You worry about showing up at a a party in a different body,
Before even considering if you’ll enjoy the party,
How you want to show up for it,
How it adds to the colour and joy of your life.

Your disordered habits have been your safety for so long,
And while you’re trying to remove the emphasis you place on them,
It’s like travelling down a dark tunnel,
With no end in sight,
Because in reality,
Without knowing who you are when you let those habits go,
You don’t know what or when you'll find the end,
So how do you expect to arrive there?

Much like the monster under your bed,
You run from it,
Ensure your feet are under the covers at all times,
And leap over the edge so it can’t grab your angles,
You avoid it at all costs.

Because the unknown is terrifying,
Until your dad comes in a few hours later,
He shines a torch under the bed,
Exposes the monster to be your cute wee teddy bear that your brother stole 2 weeks ago.
That thing you were avoiding,
Was the thing that would bring you the most comfort.

To stop the emphasis on your food and body,
You always focus on the food and body,
But unless you spend time discovering your true self,
You will forever be running from it,
And your preoccupation will be your most faithful companion.

Some questions I’d love you to ask yourself,
Write them in your journal or simply sit with them for a while,
Notice how easy (or difficult) they are to answer,
How sure you are of what comes up.

Who are you?
When you remove the food, body and fitness thoughts and identity,
When you remove the parent, partner, fixer role,
Who are you?

What brings you unadulterated joy?
At that moments are you most at peace?
What fills you up energetically?
And are you actively doing these things?

Do you know what makes you pee laugh,
Your heart whole,
Your values aligned,
And your purpose fulfilled?

To let your preoccupation go,
Your external identity (and ego) subside,
You have to come back to the one constant,
Who are you, beneath it all?