We have to stop glorifying perfectionism

“My main concern for Emilia is her lack of confidence in her abilities. She is a bright and hardworking pupil but continues to run herself down despite achieving excellent marks.” Miss Rose. Higher Biology. November 2002.

“Despite gaining almost full marks in two of the internal assessments, Emilia has become quite anxious about her level of understanding and performance. She must try to believe in herself a little more and avoid getting into spirals of self-doubt.” Mrs Struthers. Higher Business Management. November 2002.

“Emilia should try to have more faith in her abilities. Her work has been consistently of good standard.” Mr Chalmers. Higher English. November 2002.

“Emilia is an enigma”. Mr Taylor. Higher Chemistry. November 2002.

At 16 years old,
I became anxious.
Lost all confidence in myself,
My perfectionist tendencies kicked in.

See,
At that point in my life,
Things were uncertain,
My family dynamics were changing,
My first love dumped me,
By text, the little fucker,
My boobs just wouldn’t grow,
I had no control of the outcomes,
I couldn’t fix any of it.

I wasn’t good enough to keep things the way they were at home,
I couldn’t make my teenage boyfriend love me,
No amount of self-massage was stimulating growth despite what my friends told me,
So you know what I did?
Tried to control what I could,
Tried to make everything perfect.

At 16,
I decided my grades had to be perfect,
I developed a fear of failure,
At the same time of course,
As my old friend disordered eating came to play.

Everything,
Including my food,
Had to be perfect,
That would give me a sense of control,
Wouldn’t it?

Perfectionism,
It’s driven from a drive to fix a part of us that we think is defective,
From a part of us that says,
I’m not enough as I am.

It shows up as an almost obsessive need to have control over our lives.

We often set unrealistically high expectations,
Which inevitably overwhelm us,
Are often unachievable,
And leave us in an empty search for control,
And feeling more like a failure than before.

This is your diet,
You know?

You set yourself ‘body goals’ and macro targets,
Cut out certain foods,
Limit certain macros,
You set training goals,
Such that when you take a rest day,
Or gain weight,
Go out for dinner,
Don’t do things to plan,
You feel like you’ve failed.

When you fail,
You self-criticise,
You’re more likely to completely rebel in the short term,
Overeat or berate yourself,
Then double down on your perfectionism tomorrow.

This cycle is more toxic than your last relationship.

Let’s reframe perfectionism,
Not as admirable nor healthy,
It’s neither of these things,
It’s holding you back.

It stops you taking risks,
Risks that are essential in progressing at work,
In your relationships,
In your joy.

It stops you eating ‘healthily’,
Finding balance,
A good relationship with food and your body.
And yes,
It stops you achieving maintainable fat loss.

Reframe failure,
Because you will inevitably fail sometimes,
It’s an essential part of growth,
A sign that you’re living courageously.

Stop calling yourself a perfectionist,
It swiftly becomes a limiting belief that you choose to live by,
Wearing it like a status symbol,
And embrace the mess that life is supposed to be.

Accept that uncertainty stinks,
Makes your fingers feel tingly and your heart feel hollow,
But that life is uncertain,
And it too, shall pass,
If you can just sit with it for long enough.

I don’t think anyone on their deathbed regrets mess,
Regrets failure,
Going for the job they didn’t get,
The 3 weeks spent living away before moving home,
Going off on their diet or the 5kg they gained,
But I can guarantee you,
They regret the risks they never took.

If your perfectionism is hurting your relationship with food,
The ETPHD method is made for you,
And I’m always here.