Are you an idiot?

I’m calling myself out every time I call myself an idiot
I told him,
As once again,
I did that exact thing.
 
I don’t know what silly little mistake I made in my silly little day,
But I know that,
Under my breath I’d said for the umpteenth time that week,
You’re such an idiot.
 
It’s not hard for me to remember the days,
When I’d make a mistake,
Cause friction in a relationship,
React not respond,
Binge eat,
Balls up at work,
And inevitably curse myself out for it.
 
I didn’t often use the failure talk,
I wasn’t a total idiot,
I knew that calling myself a failure was technically untrue,
So I took the more pervasive route.

Berating myself,
Belittling myself,
Rolling my eyes at myself at the end of the day for yet again,
Not making it through the day like I’d vowed to when I got up that morning,
When I promised not to binge eat that day,
Promised to have a super productive day,
Promise promise promised,
All of which I'd broken.
 
I honestly spent most days mulling over how I’d done things wrong.
 
I don’t do that now,
Clearly I’m the bees knees,
I work hard enough,
Try my best with my nutrition still,
To this day,
To minimise the risk of going back to my disordered eating ways,
Which,
When times get rough,
Can happen.
 
But recently,
Moreso before my break last week,
I found myself calling myself an idiot at least once a week,
It was giving me the ick,
And actually,
Notably making me sad,
Sad for the person I was speaking to.
 
I’m not an idiot,
Don’t worry you don’t need to reply to me to tell me I promise I know I’m not,
I’d just fallen back into self criticism,
A lack of self compassion,
Because that’s what I've known since my teens and 20s,
When I’m exhausted,
That’s the easiest habit loop in my brain.
 
In a few conversations with clients, coaches and friends this week,
One thing has come up again and again,
These legends are sad,
Sad that that were mean to their bodies for so long,
Sad that they’ve overworked their entire lives from a place of scarcity,
Sad that they’ve found control in life through over working and over restricting,
Sad that they lacked boundaries and put up with silly things from silly people.
 
I’ll say to you what I said to them,
I feel it too,
Sad that I chose shit men for so long,
Sad that I hurt my body by binge eating,
Sad that my go-to was calling myself an idiot on the daily,
What a wee shame for past me. 
 
Self-compassion is thrown around like it’s easy,
Everyone in this space will parrot to you,
How it supports your relationships with food,
Leads to more success at work,
Helps you deal with setbacks.
 
This is all true.
 
But you know what else?
Self-compassion is an art,
A daily act of intent,
Act being the key word here.
 
It is very unlikely that it will always feel easy to say nice things to yourself,
To self-soothe,
To hug yourself when you make a mistake instead of criticise,
To replace calling yourself an idiot with a phrase like,
Look at you being all cute and human.
 
I don’t want you to wake up in 10 years and be sad,
For knowing that you could be kinder to yourself,
Knowing that you could treat yourself better,
Your body better,
And choosing not to do it because it didn’t feel easy.
 
We all have to take time to mourn the loss of our dysfunctional eating,
Dysfunctional working,
And really any habits that have served to help us cope with the realities of life as we age.
 
We also have to take time to show ourselves compassion in these sad moments,
Remind ourselves that we are always doing our best from where we are,
And although it’s sad that we sacrificed our needs for so long,
It’s magical that we are here,
Reading (or writing) this email,
And changing how we do things,
For our current selves,
Our future selves,
The younger people around us,
And maybe too for our babies.
 
Your Friday reminder to please,
Be kind to yourself,
To take action to do so,
To stop waiting until one day it changes.

You have to make the change.

It’s not easy,
But you are worthy of a self-hug,
Of love,
And of never calling yourself an idiot again,
Except maybe on the weeks you lock yourself out your house 3 times in 5 days maybe then you’re a bit of a fool.
 
As you read this email,
6000 other people do too,
So let's all come together and remember:

We are not idiots,
We are messy (and cute) humans,
We are deserving of love,
We treat ourselves kindly,
And that's something to be proud of.

I’m always here,
Em x