I Got In Trouble

I got told off this week. It’s been a while since I got in trouble and I didn’t even fight it (teenage me is mortified by this lack of defensiveness but what can I say I’m officially a securely attached, non-avoidant)
 
As I told Lynn of my complete exhaustion on the first time mother by choice podcast earlier this week, she sat in silence (eye rolls say enough) before affirming that yes, she was 2 emails away from staging an intervention if she didn’t see my output slow down
 
I f*cked up (with great intentions sure, driven by less than helpful internal narratives that I’d silenced). I overdid it, crashed and burned. I tried to take an afternoon off on bank holiday Monday to rest and instead found myself overeating
 
Many of us turn to food in moments of stillness and rest because it feels ‘productive’ and that feels more comfortable than doing ‘nothing’ and resting. It’s why many people overeat. For the first time in long time, it’s why I found myself overeating on Monday
 
One thing I love about running my businesses these days is that I rarely overwork myself. There are multiple sprint periods and my god I’m productive and focused in the hours that I do work so I’m not fannying about wasting time procrastinating.
 
But many of my values require me to be flexible with work and in order for me to fully show up in all areas of my life, I simply can’t oversubscribe myself to one (albeit super important) aspect of it
 
Reality is, I fell into a trap the past few months of doing something I remind you not to do. As recently as Monday’s email, I reminded you not to do it, just 24 hours before I admitted that I’d been doing it to myself
 
I was holding myself to a totally different standard to that which I’d hold anyone else
 
I’m growing an actual human being in my own body, without the help of a partner, without sick days or the potential of the financial security maternity leave, at the same time as moving to a new and moving my body and eating well and trying to find stillness and hosting an event and seeing my friends
 
I’m running multiple businesses and feel an immense pressure to ‘over’ provide for people before I birth said human. I realise now that this is some sort of pre-compensation, a reminder that look everyone, I’m still good enough and can do it all
 
Whilst at least once a month I remind you, and myself, that you cannot do it all, all of the time, or have it all, all of the time. It’s not physically possible
 
Who do I think I am creating this unrealistic and impossible standard for myself?
 
I’m a recovering perfectionist control-freak millennial, that’s who. One who, like many others, falls back into old ways as a means of gaining some semblance of control (it’s not control though is it – control over how life unfolds is something we never truly hold)
 
 I felt fine (actually fine). My work’s been the best it’s been in ages. I buzz from every call or check in I have with the ETPHD team, other coaches and clients. Everyone in our space is thriving. I was training well and eating well and finding joy in every day so easily
 
But this is what threw me off
 
It felt fine because over-doing is still familiar. It’s still safe. It’s still regulating for my nervous system. It was fine. 
 
But I totally neglected my stress-rest cycles. I didn’t’ feel stressed per se, but I wasn’t putting enough intention into the other half of the balancing act of stress management – the intentional rest. I felt fine enough to keep going, so why wouldn’t I?
 
Because I’m a human being, that’s why. All human beings require rest (where accessible). At least, all human beings who want to thrive and enjoy life and be healthy.
 
Especially all humans that are growing other humans
 
So this is your gentle reminder to consider your cumulative stressors and your cumulative rest and recovery
 
Are you making space for both? Or are you headed towards a menty-b and a box of coco pops?
 
I’m always here to support you in finding your peace. I know I don’t sound today like I’ve got it together but actually, the reason I can share this with you is because I do have it together, as much as any human can. I just don’t lie about it under the guise of perfection and being above average. Because that, I am not
 
Have a lovely weekend,
 
Emilia