Co-regulation, dating & disordered eating

I stopped sharing lols about red flags a while ago,

Some of you longer-term readers may have noticed,

Because I realised that making light of my atrocious choices in partner was neither big nor clever,

And using ‘content’ as an excuse for my magenta-love fest wasn’t a good enough reason to continue draping myself in a colour that to be honest,

Really doesn’t suit me.


I also found out I was in someone’s top hits for ‘dick’ in their email search,

Which was both entertaining and concerning,

So I figured, Emilia,

Stop talking about phalluses wrapped in red capes,

And start taking it a bit deeper,

With your consent of course.


I come (happily) to you today to make a case,

Towards you seeking romantic relationships that nurture, connect and fulfil you,

As you do them,

And step back from the mediocre bullshit that you repeatedly put yourself through.


Remember a few weeks ago I referenced the window of tolerance?

That zone of regulation where we’re thriving,

Living our best lives,

Outside of which we experience dysregulation?


This dysregulation may manifest as high heart rate and blood pressure,

Chronic pain,

Feelings of anxiety or stress,

Or low mood and depression,

Apathy,

And depersonalisation from those things that previously fulfilled you.


We’re revisiting it today,

Because there are only 2 ways to regulate your nervous system and support your long-term stay in this window of tolerance aka zone of peace,

Will be trademarking that don't worry.


The first is obvious,

It’s what I talk about all the time,

To the point where you probably want to gauge your eyes out when my email pops up and you see the phrase ‘emotional regulation’ for the 18th billion time,

Self-regulation.


The second?

It’s dependent on your relationships with others,

It’s part of the reason that your troublesome relationships are maintaining or triggering your disordered eating,

And that is co-regulation.


In a nutshell,

Because you don’t have all day,

And I’m currently in London city airport having slept for only 3 hours and surviving on an egg sarni, a concerningly luminous orange cheese croissant, and one too many protein bars judged purely by the sounds coming up from my stomach,

Co-regulation is your ability to regulate emotions and behaviours to soothe and manage any stressors,

With the support and direction of another person with whom you are connected.


You’ve probably heard this in reference to kids,

When they become upset,

If those around them stay calm,

They demonstrate how to calm down,

And the child more often than not,

Calms down more quickly.


But guess what?

This happens to us too.


If you’re having casual sex or dating multiple people at once,

It might really work for you,

And if that's the case,

You go Glen CoCo.


But if you’re super honest deep down,

It might also be allowing you to live out some avoidant tendences,

Remaining emotionally detached with a cloak of invisibility for your vulnerability,

Which might show up as picking emotionally unavailable people,

Those who you try to ‘fix’,

Or idolising that one ex that you know really isn’t up to par so WHY are you still thinking about them?


Or that casual sex might be triggering your insecure or anxious tendencies,

Which might show up as overthinking a lack of communication,

Requiring constant reassurance,

Or feelings of inadequacy when the one-night stand you knew was a one-night stand,

Turns out to be a one-night stand.


Regardless of whether you're ignoring your feelings with avoidance,

Feeling overwhelmed by your feelings of abandonment with anxious attachment,

Both end up with dysfunctional eating habits,

As well as generally feeling less than wholesome.


Just because your thinking brain doesn’t want to feel those feelings,

Doesn’t mean you don’t have them.

If you refuse to acknowledge them by consistently repeating the same beahviours

You will simply perpetuate this adversarial relationship,

Move outside of your window of tolerance,

And build up symptoms of dysregulation,

Which in this case,

Are disordered eating habits.


We also want to partner with those who have a regulated nervous system,

Which probably means they show up with mostly secure attachment traits,

They know how to regulate their own emotions,

So they’re not flying off the handle,

Can communicate and accept healthy boundaries,

And live their own flourishing lives.


There’s no judgment here,

I’ve done (and may well do again who knows) all of these things,

I’m just here to raise your awareness of your habits.


Because we’re so quick to blame willpower,

Our lack of sleep,

The hangover,

Our stress,

Literally anything else for our overeating or other dysfunctional eating habits.


But maybe the one thing we’re forgetting is the one thing we need to focus on,

Who are we choosing to co-regulate with?


Make smart choices this weekend,

You get a much better success rate from developing your own self-worth than you do a heterosexual orgasm during a one-night stand.

I’m always here,

Emilia