I wish someone told me this at 21.
I lost my period for a few years,
Way before bodybuilding stole it from me,
A part of my life I don’t share that often,
But at the age of 21,
My lifestyle was almost exclusively guided by Kate Moss,
I was underweight and dressed head to toe in her Kate Moss for Topshop range,
Like the cutest little millennial cliche you ever did see.
I didn’t talk about the NY post-post on socials this week.
You know the one about the ‘return of heroin chic’?
Because quite frankly you either didn’t see it,
And I didn’t want to bring your attention to it,
Like I am now ofc,
Or you already saw someone reminding you that your body is not a trend,
And you didn’t need me to repeat it.
But since I love you select group of people who read my letters,
I did have a few things to say to you in private.
In my early 20s, I was the poster child for heroine chic,
Literally
I had every Kate Moss Vogue cover framed on my living room wall,
And at one point in my life,
I ate only apples through the day,
After running 10km every morning,
And capped it off with a veggie microwave meal that was boxed in a portion size similar to those little boxes of cereal you get in a variety pack.
I was underweight, yes.
But I was also in an extremely insecure relationship,
Lols at what some of us put up with in our early 20s am I right,
Studying so hard that I’d later graduate top of my entire class,
And living with someone who herself, struggled with disordered eating.
My stomach rumbled all day through the silent floor of the library,
So loudly that I was embarrassed that it sounded like I was going to poop my pants at any moment (tends to happen when your food intake is limited to 8 braeburn apples and 10 pieces of penne pasta),
I used to look forward to going out on the weekend solely so that I could allow myself some food at the end of the night,
Well that and the uni boys let's be real.
I was so intent on being as small as I possibly could,
Because didn’t it make me look like I had my shit together?
It did not,
And that thought, my friends,
Was internalised weight bias coming to fruition,
Where we genuinely believe smaller means more successful, attractive, better than.
You don’t need me to remind you that your body is not a trend,
You’ve had enough of it this week.
But what I would like to say is this,
*sips 3rd coffee down enthusiastically and turns on Midnights for the 842nd play of the day*
You know dieting?
It’s a short-term process.
Restricting your food intake?
That too, is a short-term process.
Controlling your food?
Shockingly, a short-term process.
If you are living your life right now,
Thinking daily about how you can eat less,
And as it comes to the weekend are thinking,
How can I stop myself eating more,
If you’ve been thinking about how to be ‘healthier’ for the last however many years,
You need to recognise this,
And if you take anything from this email,
Please let it be what I’m about to say.
Your life is not here to be clouded by thoughts about food.
The gift of energy you’ve been given by the miraculous chance that you’re here in this world is not meant to be directed more to food and your body than the experience of life itself.
Even you, who’s spent 10 years overthinking your food choices, feeling guilt and shame for them, and cursing yourself for not having more willpower, this is not what your life is.
There is so much more to your life. Please don’t wait until you’re 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80 to look back and think, shit, I wasted my life on 5kg of body fat and always fighting to change my body in the misguided hope it would make me happier.
I’ve lost count of the number of times my clients have said to me,
I never thought this could be me,
When they find peace with food.
And this is the problem,
You resign yourself to what you feel is a fact,
It’s just how I am.
I know I say this all the time,
But it’s not just how you are.
It’s what you’ve been conditioned to believe is how you should behave,
It’s behaviours and thought patterns that have become indoctrinated over time,
It’s what social media tells you on the daily that you need to do,
But none of this is you.
You are a source of love for yourself and others,
Of joy,
Connection,
Of purpose.
Your personality,
Although sometimes drowned out by the lack of energy from restriction or the discomfort from binging or the shame from doing any of these things,
Is still there,
And it’s got everything to do with your soul,
And nothing to do with your disordered eating.
When you’re ready to change this for good,
You know that’s what we do at ETPHD coaching,
It’s not about removing any ‘body goals’ you have,
But rather,
Including the rest of life in there too,
Because your body and food are here to give you life,
Not take it away.
