If you’re experiencing poor or negative body image, and haven’t yet developed the skills to sit through these feelings without letting them consume and affect you, this can make intimacy and sex very challenging. After all, if you’re feeling disgust, repulsion or rejection towards your own body, you’re probably not going to be eager for someone else to experience you in your most raw, exposed form. Over time, this can create complications for your relationship with yourself and your self-confidence, as well as creating barriers in any intimate relationships you may be involved in.

During sex, you can’t hide behind baggy clothing or shrink yourself in shame. It’s a primal, exposing act, and it can feel really distressing if you’re uncomfortable in your own body. After all, you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable and seen by someone else. Research shows that an increasing number of women dislike their bodies, meaning they’re spending more time worrying about how they look, and less time concentrating on being present and enjoying the moment they’re in. And it isn’t just women affected by negative body image in the bedroom - the Mental Health Foundation reported more than one fifth of men in the UK experience this distress and sexual body shame too, with body image concerns leading them to hide parts of their body as a result. Body image affects the sex lives of all genders and sexualities alike.

Let’s discuss some of the many barriers and obstacles negative body image can create in your sex life and relationships.

1. It affects your enjoyment and satisfaction from sex.

If you’re constantly preoccupied with thoughts or anxieties about your body, you’re less able to focus on your own pleasure and be present during the experience of sex. You’re likely to notice intrusive thoughts taking over from the physical sensations, impacting your ability to connect with your partner and enjoy the act of sex in the moment. If insecure thoughts are detracting from your enjoyment of sex, this will increase your stress levels and can make it harder to climax too. In fact, research shows women who are more dissatisfied with their bodies experience much less satisfaction from sex due to the interference of persistent, unwanted thoughts about their bodies. Instead of deriving enjoyment and pleasure from sex, your experience is compromised, impeded by feelings of shame and self-consciousness about your body, and your partner’s perceptions of you.

Intense feelings of shame and anxiety towards your body create a disconnect between your mind and body, making it far more difficult to identify your internal experience of sexual arousal and desire. Instead of tuning into the physical cues in your body alerting you to your sexual response and pleasure, you’re less capable of enjoying these sensations and progressing towards orgasm. Your pleasure and enjoyment is limited, interrupted by this disconnection from your body and your own pleasure.

If you’re preoccupied with thoughts about your body, you’re likely to be focusing on ‘How does my stomach look from that angle? Is my partner noticing my stretch marks?’, instead of focusing on what feels good for you, and what brings you the most pleasure. This also means you’ll likely be less willing to try different positions or acts in the bedroom, for fear of how they may make your body look and feel. It reduces the variety, ease and willingness with which you embrace the act of sex. Your body image is like an unwanted third party in the bedroom during sex. It impedes intimacy, connection and your enjoyment of the experience.

2. Lower sex drive.

Naturally, if you’re struggling with negative body image and feeling uncomfortable in your own body, you’re going to be less inclined to let someone else see you in your entirety too. You’re more likely to avoid physical closeness and intimacy, due to distress around your own body image and appearance. Studies have revealed women with negative body image have less ability to become and stay aroused, and to orgasm. So evidently, the way you feel about yourself and your body affects not only your willingness to engage in sex, but also your sex drive itself.

Poor body image affects how you see yourself, meaning if you perceive yourself to be unattractive, you’ll experience lower self-esteem and therefore become more likely to avoid sex. The desire, arousal, orgasm cycle is so interconnected, that once one step in the cycle is interrupted, all areas will be affected as a result. Similarly, body image affects how you think others feel about you too, so if you believe your partner finds you unattractive, your desire and ability to be aroused will again be compromised.

Shame and anxiety around your body often leads to a desperation to hide your physical self - especially when it comes to the bedroom. This means women with negative body image also don’t initiate sex as often, which can cause problems in some relationships. For some relationships, particularly those where one or both partners value physical touch as an act or expression of love, an avoidance of sex and physical contact can create a distance in the relationship, or a perception of rejection. After all, many people interpret their partner’s apparent lack of interest in sex as a slight against themselves, believing their partner is no longer attracted to them or there are other issues afoot in the relationship. When, in reality, we know that this is often driven by internal dissatisfaction and distress in relation to your own body and body image.

3. Lower confidence and more restricted experiences of sex.

When you believe there to be a significant mismatch between how you’re supposed to look, and how you actually look, this can breed shame and low self-esteem. Today, we’re surrounded by messaging telling us how our bodies should look, what shape and size we should be aiming to achieve. We’re taught to sculpt ourselves to fit within this mould, to force ourselves to become something we’re not and likely never will be - no matter how hard we try! And when this inevitably affects your self-esteem and confidence, this has flow-on effects for your sex life.

Shame and poor self-esteem can cloud your experiences of sex. Not only do they result in less physical pleasure and reduced connectedness with your partner, they also leave many people too ashamed or embarrassed to ask for what they want during sex. For many, this can look like being unable to even recognise what positions or acts bring them pleasure or feel good, while for others they may be able to identify sources of pleasure but unable to voice their own needs or desires. Sex becomes about pleasing or appeasing the other person in the relationship - and that should never be a reason to engage in physical intimacy. Both people should feel valued, seen and heard, and respected during sex, and that involves ensuring everyone is equally able to voice their wants and have these met (within reason).

When you’re not able to ask for what you want or desire, this can really restrict and hinder your experience of sex. As mentioned, you might stick to one or few positions in the bedroom. You might struggle to orgasm, or you may notice your experience of sex entirely revolves around your partner and their needs, with little regard or consideration for your own. You might only feel able to have sex in the dark, so you can “hide” yourself and your body from your partner and yourself. All of these things can really interfere with the variety of sexual experiences you’re able to enjoy, and your confidence in the bedroom.

4. Affects intimacy and openness in your relationships - beyond the bedroom too.

While we’ve covered some of the consequences of poor body image for your sex life and pleasure in the bedroom, it can also affect your relationships beyond physical intimacy too.

For many people, physical intimacy creates a closeness and connection that can be difficult to replicate. Particularly if, like we’ve discussed, one or both partners values physical touch and intimacy as an expression of love or care, a sudden withdrawal, absence or apparent lack of enthusiasm for sex can feel like a personal insult or rejection, or a sign that the relationship is flawed. While this isn’t a reason to engage in sex, it can cause friction and conflict if left unaddressed over time. To avoid this, make sure to try to communicate to your partner what you’re navigating, and why you appear to be less interested in sex than you may have been previously.

Beyond this, if poor body image is affecting your self confidence and ability to express yourself and your needs to a partner, this can really impair your closeness with your partner. It will leave you less able to ask for their support in day-to-day activities, for example asking your partner to pick up something from the grocery store to help you out. It will result in you feeling more alone, unworthy and withdrawn, and less able to be vulnerable and communicative with your partner. And as we know, communication is the key to a healthy and successful relationship. If you notice your body image is coming between you and your partner, or making you feel like you can’t express yourself or what you’re experiencing or needing from your partner, this is a big indication that it’s time to push yourself to have the uncomfortable conversation about your struggles with body image. Your partner will be better able to understand you and what you’re going through, and may even express a desire to help you work through your body image struggles so you can once again feel worthy, loved and accepted just as you are.

Now you know some of the many ways in which poor body image can negatively affect your sex life, there are ways in which you can work on your body image to mitigate these consequences. This will allow you to reclaim your confidence and enthusiasm for sex and to improve your broader relationship with yourself and any intimate partners you may have.

• Work on your relationship with exercise. Start to move your body for the chance to appreciate and respect all the many things it allows you to do. Instead of punishing your body with intense exercise, choose types of movement that feel liberating and energising. Take the opportunity to tune into your body, to feel connected and grateful for it. Exercise is also known to boost your libido and sexual satisfaction, and restoring the connection between your mind and body will help to improve your confidence and body image too.

• Get creative. Ask your partner to challenge you to try new things or positions in the bedroom. You might start slow, even choosing to keep the lights off or leave some clothes on. Over time, exposing yourself gradually to new positions or experiences may feel liberating and exciting, and your confidence in yourself and your body will grow. However, never feel pressured to engage in anything you don’t want to do! You always have the right to say no, and to stand up for yourself and your needs. Go slowly, and always evaluate how something makes you feel. If you don’t like it, switch things up. And if you do like it - vocalise this! Ask for more! Your partner will love hearing they’re bringing you pleasure, and in giving them positive reinforcement you’re ensuring they’re more likely to do the same thing moving forward.

• Spend some time with yourself. Whether masturbation is something you do regularly or have never tried, consider getting to know your own body using solo play. Whether you use a toy or not, try stroking and touching different areas of your body, to get back in touch with what does and doesn’t feel good for you. This means you’ll be more confident in your body and your own desires when you enter the bedroom with someone else, so you feel more empowered to ask for what you want.

• Work on understanding where your poor body image began. Does the voice in your head criticising your every “flaw” resemble that of a parent, an ex partner, or an authority figure from your past? Where does the inner critic stem from, and how can you externalise it from your own voice, to separate it from your perception of yourself, recognising it’s not the voice of truth or reality and you don’t have to listen to its criticism? Engaging in therapy or working with the ETPHD team can help you navigate the root cause of your poor body image, and create positive change for the future.

• Remember that all bodies, of all shapes and sizes, are worthy and enough. Unfollow anyone on social media who makes you feel like you need to look a certain way to be loved and desirable, and instead follow accounts that represent you and your body. Curate your online (and offline!) spaces and experiences to remind you that all bodies are beautiful. And remember - your body allows you to have and enjoy sex in the first place! It’s worth being grateful for the experience you’re able to engage in, rather than focusing on scrutinising any perceived imperfections or flaws you can pick apart in your body.

• Avoid the urge to perform during sex. You don’t need to emulate anyone else you’ve seen online, or engage in acts that make you feel uncomfortable. Stand up for your own needs and pleasure, and remember that good sex looks so many different ways. One of the keys to good sex is connection and the ability to be present, so try to be mindful and focus on the physical sensations during sex, rather than the mental chatter that may arise. Bring your attention back to the pleasure and physical sensations you’re experiencing each time you notice your thoughts drifting towards the critical voice in your head.

Poor body image affects so many aspects of your life and relationships, with your sex life being just one of these. It’s something that requires work, and it’s important to communicate with your partner about what you’re working through. Building a positive, healthy body image allows you to restore your confidence and your relationship with yourself and others. Contrary to popular opinion, positive body image refers to the ability to experience difficult thoughts or feelings towards your body without the need to act on them or respond in unhealthy ways, such as restricting your food intake or over exercising. Instead, you’re able to notice these thoughts, without judging yourself for them, and choose to act with self compassion and continue on with your day without resorting to unhealthy coping strategies. This is what healthy body image flexibility looks like, and you can achieve this! 

To read more about how to improve your body image today, check out this article. 

Or, book a session with the ETPHD team today to get the most effective support and strategies to improve your body image and body image flexibility!