Let’s talk about boys,
Unfortunately I am v heteronormative,
Despite my queer platonic relationship with my best friend and business partner,
Despite many assuming that to be queer non-plantonic,
I actually love me some D.

There’s something about masculine energy that I’m healthily obsessed with,
I seek it in friends,
Brothers,
Partners.

It makes me feel safe,
Directed,
Protected.

As a raging killjoy feminist,
It’s still ok to admit that.

The reason I’m harping on about the D today is because I’ve been working on myself,
And it’s been paying off the past 6 months,
And I’m v impressed with myself,
So it’s time to share.

A quick cliffs notes on attachment theory,
The ground-breaking theory that attempts to explain why we behave the way we do in romantic relationships,
Developed early in life and remaining relatively stable over time,

Of which there are 4 styles:
Secure (the holy grail; depends on partner; trusting and open);
Avoidant (dismissive; ‘independent’ & self-sufficient perception);
Anxious-preoccupied (anxiety about being alone; perceive partner as ‘better half’; seeks approval from partner);
Disorganised / fearful-avoidant (difficulty in trusting others; unstable behaviours in social bonds).

There are many reasons you’ll develop your attachment style,
And for most of my adult life so far,
I’d identified as avoidant.

I’d pick emotionally unavailable men,
Men who weren’t safe for me,
Idolise ex-partners,
I’d ignore red flags (shocking news I know)
All as a means of avoiding intimacy.

The red flags were so attractive because I knew,
Deep down,
That meant the relationship wouldn’t’ last,
I wouldn’t have to be vulnerable,
I wouldn’t lose my independence.

But in the past few years,
Despite popular belief,
I’ve been working hard to take the steps of a secure person,
Calling time on magenta choices far sooner,
Cutting off lingering scarlet flags,
And more recently,
Let myself delve into security,
And it’s quite the transformative moment.

The reason this is important?
Aside from the fact that your ability to build connections with others,
With yourself,
Is a driving force for feeling connected as a whole,
And connection is a protecting force against the development of loneliness,
Low self-worth,
Disordered eating,
But many of our eating habits are related to our attachment styles.

Not only do those with secure attachment seem to get better fat loss results when working with their coach,
Likely because of the trust and openness,
Which is one reason we coaches at EPTHD like to low key fall in love with our clients,
But on a deeper level,
Insecure attachment styles are associated with disordered eating habits.

From the research we know some key things.

Anxious and avoidant attachment are associated with binge eating,
Lower body acceptance,
Chronic restriction,
Even impaired recognition of hunger and satiety.

We may use food to avoid feeling,
To quash the fear of being abandoned,
To meet our perfectionist tendencies which help us avoid feeling the depths of mess and love,
Or we struggle to organise how we actually feel,
So struggle then, to meet our own needs appropriately.

It’s important we recongise our attachment traits,
Avoid identifying with them,
And work towards adapting the habits and thought patterns of a secure person,
What would they do?

Is that person really giving you butterflies of love?
Or is that your attachment system being triggered?
I’m only now,
In my 30s,
Learning to distinguish between the two.

There’s a lot to be said for peace,
It’s been a core value of mine in recent years,
Peace at home in our bodies,
In our health,
And in our relationships with others.

I think when we find peace,
Even just for a moment,
We find clarity,
And a sense of being that’s more comforting than a stuffed crust on a Friday night with Meredith Gray.

As Swami Kriyananda reminds us,
“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”

Start healing your relationship with food and your body with the excellent ETPHD method here. Some of our coaches have spaces.

If you’d like to learn more about attachment theory, I recommend you read the book ‘Attached’. And prepare to be attacked.