One question to ask yourself

"How am I modelling to others how to treat me, by the way I treat myself?"

People observe how we treat ourselves. When we fill our times with self-deprecation, a lack of boundaries, minimal self-care and respect, we model this for those around us. In solitude we practice giving ourselves what we need, before expecting it from someone else. Stop waiting for someone to come along and treat you well. It starts with you. 

Journal on this. Then ask yourself, if someone looked at my life from the outside, how would they learn to treat me? What, if anything, needs to change?

One thing I'd tell my younger self

Intensity does not equate to love.

That obsessive 'spark' you feel after one date? It's more than likely an attachment trigger, not your body immediately identifying the love of your life. Learn to identify the spark as feelings of unsafety, not soulmate status. As I've gotten older, I've learned that in the safest, most secure relationships, attraction and love grow from consistent communication, respect and understanding (as well of course from physical attraction for many of us), not the underlying deep-rooted feelings that at some point, they'll shatter your heart into a million pieces. The 'spark' is triggering your stress response, not your orgasms and the real ‘spark’ feels much more satisfying.

Something to consider

Some people misunderstand us in order to avoid dealing with their own dysfunction. Sometimes, we misunderstand others in order to avoid dealing with our own stuff. 

This is something that's really helped me understand the occasional backlash I get online, and the sporadic shitty conversations I've had with people I care about it. It often shows up as defensiveness and dismissiveness of others' viewpoints. People like to put others in a box, it feels safer to them. "He clearly has issues because he says I did something wrong'".  Does he? Or are you unwilling to accept that your behaviour is actually a dysfunctional habit in response to your own underlying dysregulation?

Journal on this - it's a more challenging one to unpack in yourself and others. But consider, is there someone you're struggling to figure out? Why does it bother you so much? And likewise, are you struggling with the way someone's treated you? Could it be that it's their own journey they're struggling with, that they're deflecting onto you? Can you show them compassion instead of taking it so personally?

One thing to try this week

Default to generosity.

If you're unsure whether to give your time, energy, effort, love or money to someone (or yourself) this week, default to yes. You'll never regret doing that one small kind thing. 

Of course be mindful of your boundaries here. I'm not advising martyrdom... 

One more thing...

Please share your stories with me.

I'm really trying to have a more positive impact this year (it's where this Monday email spawned from). When you put one thing into practice from the weeks email, I'd love if you could share it with me, in a DM, an email or a screenshot. I don't know if it's a need for external validation disguised as help for my future direction, but let's choose to believe the latter. I'd love to see and hear all about it.