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The weekly perspective

One question to ask yourself


Is this action nourishing or punishing?


It's one of the easiest and most life-changing questions I started using, myself and with clients a few years ago.

Journal on this - if the answer is 'punishing' and you're still taking that action, what makes you do that? What are the reasons you''re choosing that? If it doesn't feel like a choice, it's a sign that you need some support.

One thing I'd tell my younger self

 

“Your worth is not measured by your ability to change someone, but in your ability to walk away without needing to”

 

If you don't watch love is blind, then a) you're missing out, but b) you'll have missed one of the (not)blind lovers say to his partner this week that he saw her as a 'project'. It was so incredibly gross from the outside, and yet so many of us date for potential, find our worth and identity in solving others' problems and 'changing them'. This is the worst when it plays out in romantic relationships, but really translates to any relationship. Stop it. Show your worth by walking away from these situations, not diving in head first then wondering why someone didn't live up to your expectations. Of course they didn't, you created them out of thin air.

Something to consider


Failure feels 'right' when you have a core belief of not being enough. 


It feels comfortable and reduces cognitive dissonance because 'of course you failed'. The answer isn't in trying to avoid failure but in challenging your core beliefs.

Journal on this - what are the core beliefs I hold about myself and the world?

You can find your core beliefs by using the downward arrow technique. This involves following each thought down to the basement; to the underlying belief it came from. To begin, bring to mind a thought about yourself that you have often, such as, “I procrastinate too much.” Ask yourself, “What does that mean about me?” The answer should say something about you as a person, such as “I’m lazy,” or “I’m scared I will fail.” Ask yourself again, “What does that mean about me?” The answer might be, “I’m weak,” or “I am a failure.” That might be your core belief there, or you can ask again, “What does that mean about me?”“I’m not good enough.” If trying to find a core belief about others, ask “What does that mean about people/men/women/family?” or “What does that mean about the world?”

One thing to try this week


Own your mistakes and just apologise.


It's easier than the stories and guilt you replay trying to convince yourself you were right. If you have any disagreements this week (or those bubbling over from previous weeks), reflect on where you might have fudged up and just apologise. Normal good self-aware adults will accept it and move on. Life's too short.