There was a blindfold left on the table,
An order as to what to wear,
A reservation at a steakhouse,
Still a veggie,
And multiple expectations that he’d vocalised for my presence later that evening. 
 
During the weeks leading up to that day,
Which happened to be 14th February,
There’d been multiple screaming fights,
About the male friends I’d been speaking to,
The way I showed up on social media,
And various other (now eye-rolling) issues.
 
The idea of having a narcissistic man hold all power over me shockingly wasn’t a turn on,
It wasn’t an act of love,
It made my entire body seize up,
Much like it is now as I relive it,
And I spent the entire day crying without being able to vocalise why.
 
I had no mind-body connection at that time,
I couldn’t recognise this entire body contractive state was my body telling me to get out,
To literally fight or flight.
 
But my best friend could see it,
After months of miniature conversations about our goings on,
Of telling’s of the holes in the walls and derogatory words,
She told me to get out,
Now.
 
So I got in my car,
And I drove.
 
That valentine’s day,
I left.
I drove all the way to Scotland,
I was repeatedly gaslit into believing I was the worst person in the world leaving my partner on valentines day,
But to the rest of the world?
Everything was fine. 

Please remember that today,
As you look into others' relationships,
Many are filled with the most wholesome romantic love,
That which I truly admire so much,
But many are struggling,
May feel lonelier than you can imagine,
Whilst the relationship on their feed provides no indication of reality.

There is no reason to believe you are lonelier than anyone else today. 
 
My relationship with valentine’s day changed that year,
I’d always rolled my eyes at it,
Cursing it as a hallmark money maker,
And of course to some degree it’s capitalism at its finest.
 
But Valentines is what we make of it,
It can be one of the worst days of the year,
Regardless of your relationship status,
Or it can be something better.
 
This valentines,
As much as I’m first world livid that I’m not living out my (very much) wants in Austin,
I’m filled with gratitude and love to no longer be in that space,
And for all the love connections I have in my life. 
 
Because love isn’t just passionate,
Romantic love.
 
It’s familial,
Friendship,
Spiritual,
Self,
And my absolute favourite,
A love called agape,
Which translates to a love for everyone.
 
I love this day to check in on one of my core values,
Where am I making space for love to show up,
Where am I being intentional with giving love to others?
Am I showing that love to the wider world,
As well as those close to me?
And of course,
Am I showing that towards myself?
 
What about that love?
Can we celebrate that?
 
Happy valentine’s day and my biggest gratitude from me to you,
Thank you for letting me share the love every week.