My eyes were still glued shut when I checked this morning,
But still, 
After 9 days,
The screen said the same,
In Times New Roman *bold*,
“Still being processed,
Last updated 23rd May”.
 
But they told me,
It was a processing time of 5-10 days,
My visa and passport should be in the post,
I’ve booked my flights,
It has to be here.
 
In fact,
I’ve planned my entire month around this simple fact,
As I’ve rushed through seeing the people I love,
Booked my essential pre-flight hair appointment,
Everything was in place,
And now it’s all (transiently) crumbling around me.
 
It’s an extremely first world problem I’m having as I wait for my US visa to arrive,
So I can fly back to spend time there,
But it’s the tip of a larger,
Melting iceberg.
 
Since January 2022,
When we first received my little brothers ‘treatable but incurable’ cancer diagnosis,
Which you can find out more about here in his words as he did something truly incredible this month and walked 2 miles a day without his walking stick when it was only a few years ago we walked him home on Christmas day in his wheelchair and is raising money for MacMillan,
I’ve had to learn to live with uncertainty. 
 
It took me 6 months last year to move through that understanding,
Where I tried to conceive as a single mother by choice,
Felt extreme discomfort simply living in my own home without ‘doing’ or planning,
Fell into months of the most emotional eating I'd experienced in years.
 
At the end of last year,
I realised a few more things.
My heart was opening again,
Softening in a space on the other side of the world.
 
ETPHD was changing,
Collectively we were finding stronger, bigger voices,
Into a space that I couldn’t see clearly yet,
That didn’t exist, 
That still doesn’t.
 
So often this year I've noticed my heart racing,
My fingers sporadically tingling,
Restless legs,
When I realise,
I've no idea what's going on.

This entire year has in fact been spent so far learning to live with this uncertainty,
Of our family health,
My businesses,
My location,
My heart.
 
But I realised,
These things are always uncertain,
We never have any control of those external things,
It’s just that for so long,
I’d convinced myself I did.
 
If I worked hard enough,
Martyred myself enough,
Picked people without the emotional availability to hold space for me,
If I had a baby to give us all more love,
Then maybe,
Just maybe,
Things would feel more within my control.
 
I don’t have food anymore to give me that sense of control.
If I was 21 and these things around me were threatening my sense of safety,
I’d diet,
I’d restrict,
I’d run my 10k every morning before breakfast,
I’d find my sense of control in my food. 
 
If I can’t control the world,
I’ll control what I can,
And food is an easy focus. 
That's what my 21 year old self thought,
Not that I recognised that at the time of course.
 
I’ve learned that leaning into the uncertainty is the only way to feel more at peace with it,
To remove my dependence on dysfunctional relationships with food, exercise and men,
I’ve also learned,
That it’s one of the hardest things to do,
A part of life that’s a constant work.
 
Intolerance to uncertainty is a common feature in dysfunctional eating,
It can be a driver of obsessive behaviours,
Like tracking,
Body checking,
And alongside these behaviours often comes overeating,
As we often too use food in an attempt to suppress the discomfort of uncertainty.
 
I urge you to journal and ask yourself,
How do I feel about uncertainty?
When things feel out of my control,
How do I feel in my body?
What tools do I use to give me more control?
Are these tools healthy?
How do I comfort myself when I notice the feeling of uncertainty?
What parts of my life feel particularly uncertain right now?
 
Tools we support our clients with at ETPHD include the practice of radical acceptance,
Cognitive reframing,
Developing distress tolerance, 
Attention training,
You are after all, not your thoughts, 
And soothing for self-regulation.

I’ve learned that every time we encounter something we have no control over,
Something that forces us to handle it,
Our self-esteem is bolstered.
We learn to trust that we’ll be ok,
No matter what happens,
Provided we make space for that to happen,
Without an attempt at feigning control.
 
If you want more information on how this looks to support you,
Have a chat with one of us by completing this form,
And otherwise,
Get journaling on those prompts above.
 
Have a fabulous weekend,
I’m always here,
Em x