Your boobs look great,
Words I very rarely hear,
Words I cling to like the external validation seeking little gremlin I was at 16 years old,
Because despite people knowing I don’t love body chat,
I set these boundaries pretty early on,           
I’m a human being woman and I doubt I’ll ever train myself out of enjoying a compliment from a person I want to have sex with,
Sue me.
 
I want to share a lesson I’ve learned in my 30s,
A lesson I wish I’d learned at 16,
My god my entire life may have been different,
About the dichotomy of the lies the world tells us,
Diet culture tells us,
And the reality of lived experience. 
 
I remember dating a guy many years ago,
I actively started dieting when we began chatting,
My friend and I went on a ‘sex bod’ diet together,
And I got pretty lean,
Got all the food preoccupation,
Overeating,
Body image preoccupation that came with it,
Only to realise 6 months later,
His preference was for girls in a different body shape to mine,
He was generally attracted to girls in larger bodies,
I was actually an anomaly.
 
I’d convinced myself,
As we always do,
That he was a man,
Leaner means better,
I may as well diet to enhance our chances of success.
Typing that makes me squirm it was a very very long time ok and I have learned, 
 
I’ve learned as a fully grown adult in my line of work,
As I uncover the reality of feminism and patriarchy,
As I’ve developed my sense of self worth,
Never to change my body for a man,
Please don’t change your body for a man.
 
But on this journey I learned something that would have blown my mind at 16. 
Most men I’ve dated prefer my body with more fat than less,
Without sounding like an Instagram vs. reality ‘I have rolls too’ influencer,
I am a human woman who has cellulite and jiggles etc.
And men have categorically professed their preference for me getting fatter,
It's women who seem to celebrate my body the leaner it gets...
 
I wholeheartedly recognising the privilege of the body I live in being within the societally accepted ‘norm’ regardless. 
I know there’s nothing worse than a thin girl telling you to love the way your body looks,
But this isn’t about my preference,
It's about digging out the dark corners of diet culture conditioning.
 
When we look at patriarchal conditioning, 
This need to keep our bodies small,
We truly believe that leaner is better,
Right?
 
When I ask someone,
Why do you want to be leaner?
The general answer is,
I just want to look a bit ‘better’ in my bikini,
Or something along those lines. 

We genuinely believe,
Because of this internalised thin ideal and weight bias,
That leaner means more successful,
More attractive,
More likely to find love,
Etc.
But what we need to understand is this.
 
This narrative we’ve got in our head about lean > everything else?
It’s not because men necessarily like the look of that body.
It’s because patriarchy keeps control of us with that body.
 
When we spend our times focusing on food,
Over exercising,
Our body size,
Our energy is poured into how our bodies look,
We no longer have that energy remaining to build ourselves up,
To use our voices,
To fight for ourselves.
 
That is the premise of diet culture,
It’s a tool of the patriarchy that gets us so fixated on ourselves that we diminish ourselves,
It has nothing to do with aesthetics. 

It's not that they categorically prefer the look of it,
It's that they prefer the control of it,
Whilst we're all out here complimenting other ladies on their abs and genuinely believing that leaner is the best thing since PB&J on sliced bread. 
 
Everyone has their own preference of what they find attractive,
And when people are good people that’s predominantly energy and heart, 
But some people love bigger bodies,
Some smaller,
Some curvier,
Some taller,
Some more muscular,
You get the idea.
 
I clearly like to challenge myself by falling for men who like boobs,
But we’ll rip that wound open another day. 
 
I was reminded of a quote yesterday from Naomi Wolfe,
Who wrote one of my favourite pieces of feminist literature (The Beauty Myth),
Where she said,
A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty,
But an obsession about female obedience. 
And that really explains this entire email in one sentence.
 
There is nothing at all wrong with choosing to be leaner,
All bodies of all sizes are beautiful,
You can have an absolutely true and healthful preference for your body to be a certain size and shape,
And we are always,
Always allowed to want to change our bodies however we deem fit,
She is yours to take care of,
I’ve supported 100s of women to diet purely for aesthetic reasons.
And of course,
I am completely supportive of losing fat to support your health.
 
Diet CULTURE is not the same as dietING.  
 
I’m talking about this need to always be smaller, 
This preoccupation that comes with food as a result of that,
Under the belief that doing so will create more love, connection and acceptance.

Question it,
Use these as journal prompts:
What are my reasons for pursuing fat loss?
Why do I value leanness above all else?
If I am in a healthy body, do I believe dieting will deem me more attractive?
If so, who told me that and why do I believe it to be true*?
Am I doing this for myself or for someone else?
Is pursuing a smaller body at the expense of other parts of my life?
*remember, it's ok to believe it's true, just challenge it first.