I laughed at my therapist this week,
Which makes a nice wee change from the dehydrated mess I usually leave as,
I even had raging, wake-up-at-4am-with cramps-wanting-to-die PMS,
Congrats to me I know.
 
We’re doing a lot of parts work,
Internal family systems,
Which is a technique I’m very familiar with,
Since we use many of the tools with our clients at ETPHD.

He had me laughing at my anxiety,
Which is both as uncomfortable and weird as it sounds,
Imagine a creepy girl ghost laughing in the dark with her hair over her face and you've got a pretty close visual.
 
As I spoke with a legend I work with this week,
Who’s doing some similar work in her therapy,
We were talking about her need to change her body,
Or rather,
Her perceived need to control it.
 
You see,
She’s going through a challenging time right now,
Which I’m sure none of us can relate to,
And although she’s working to find more peace with her body,
She’s finding this drive to control her body louder than it’s been since before we started our work.
 
Because regardless of our body size,
Most of us have been programmed to believe that a change in body means change in circumstance,
Less fat means more success,
More body control means less life uncertainty.
 
Here’s the honest reality.
 
“I still get the urge to binge sometimes”,
I shared with her on our call,
It’s simply that the “urge to binge” no longer directs me towards a binge,
But rather,
Towards an act of connection or soothing,
It’s a red flag from my body that says,
I need something from you.
 
And my client recognised the same,
“I realise the urge to control my body is a sign that something needs attention”,
And although it’s frustrating,
To have these thought patterns in our heads,
We can take a more helpful view of them.
 
I’ll say to you what I said to her,
I wonder,
Can you be grateful for these unwanted thoughts around food and your body?
Can you view them simply,
As messages from your body,
Asking you to check in and support yourself,
A reminder that you need something?
 
That in itself is a minefield, 
Isn’t it?
Is it ok to need rest when you’ve already rested?
To ask for help when you’re supposed to be independent?
What if you have a shame story around needing?
How can you listen to your body asking for help,
When you don’t allow yourself to ask for help?
 
You think,
I can’t listen to my body though,
And often diet culture and disordered eating creates that story within us,
But you’re not lost or broken,
Much like your relationships with good people,
You can work with your body to rebuild it.
 
You may have spent many years denying your needs,
Food, body control, yo-yo dieting,
They’ve all served a wonderful purpose,
Like a cloak of invisibility, they’ve masked your needs,
But they’re still under there,
And like Harry Potter sweating his balls off with steamed up glasses
They need to be let out.
 
Make a list this weekend of the unhelpful thoughts you have,
The drive to overeat,
Undereat,
Exercise ‘too much’,
Exercise ‘not enough’,
Avoid rest,
Not get off the sofa.
 
And afterwards consider,
What are these thoughts really trying to tell me?
Do I really want a whole large stuffed crust pizza?
Or is my drive to overeat a sign I’m trying to physically supress something else?

Do I really want to have sex my ex?
Or is my drive to connect with them a sign that I’m feeling uncertain and insecure about the love and connections I have in my life,
So I’m seeking another form of connection instead?
 
We can all get annoyed at some of our habits and thoughts,
But that gets us nowhere.
Only with an open, curious and compassionate heart,
Can we start to see our behaviours for what they are,
A cry for help from our bodies.
 
I’m always here,
Have a lovely weekend,
Em x