“I’m sorry to ask but are any of those girls in a bikini you?
I’m struggling as they all look older and not like you”
 
Gosh thanks,
Buzzing that 5-years-ago-me looks older than current me,
Thanks random person on the internet commenting on my throwback bikini picture,
That fear of aging going strong.
 
As I wrote the story of disconnection to my body at that time,
A time when my entire life revolved around controlling my body within an inch of her life,
When I sought certainty through my body composition, 
I started to wonder,
How much of our want to change and control our bodies is a result of the stories we tell ourselves about leanness?
 
I know back then,
There were some key attributes I associated with lean,
Progress,
Success,
A sense of together-ness,
Self-control,
Independence,
And as much as I feel shame for this now,
I am sure I thought leaner was ‘better than’ in some way.
 
Even before competing,
In my days at uni,
I remember studying 14hour days and purposefully undereating,
Running 10k per day,
And still as I got leaner and leaner I remember thinking,
I look like someone who works hard.
 
I believed other people thought this too,
Such that when my body did the opposite,
Gained weight,
I genuinely believed people thought,
I wonder what happened to make her care less.
 
You see,
Most of you reading this now understand the internalised thin ideal,
At least on a surface level,
The narrative that we internalise that suggests leaner is better,
That it’s associated with development of eating disorders and poor body image,
But I don’t think any of us accept how truly insidious this is.
 
On the surface,
In public,
You’re comfortable with accepting bodies of all sizes,
You recognise the variety in shape, size, health and beauty,
But in private,
Regardless of your body size,
You’re not accepting of your own.
 
I definitely see this in those of you who constantly have a drive to be smaller,
Despite being in a healthy body with healthy body fat levels and healthy habits,
Where of course it’s ok to prefer being leaner,
But often,
This drive is from the myriad beliefs we have about that leanness.
 
I see this in those of you in larger bodies,
Where despite nailing healthful habits,
You feel an undercurrent of shame towards your body,
As you hear those deep held beliefs about leanness day-in and day-out.
 
In order to loosen the need to control our bodies,
A need for control which is the driver for so many of our unhelpful behaviours and thoughts around food and exercise,
Our lack of ability to take rest,
Eat differently,
Socialise,
We have to reframe two things.
 
The first,
What ‘control’ means for you,
And more importantly,
Why you feel the need to have it,
Your discomfort of uncertainty.
 
Learning to accept and tolerate uncertainty is one of the most life changing ‘mindset’s that no one talks about,
Because we all demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty,
But that doesn’t exist,
And it’s a mistake to believe there is some antidote to uncertainty,
Not least in your body.
 
The opposite of certainty isn’t uncertainty after all,
It’s openness,
Curiosity,
And a willingness to lean into the paradox,
Rather than seek something that doesn’t exist.
 
Intense control, too, does not lead to progress in health,
Stop trying to convince yourself that it's doing good.
It may well feel safe,
But again,
Delve into why that is.
 
The second essential reframe is what your body leanness represents to you,
I mean the leanness that takes control,
Dysfunctional eating habits,
Food preoccupation,
And an ability to rest,
Not a leanness as defined by a ‘healthy’ BMI and settling range.
 
Reframe and rewrite the book on what a super lean body (of yours) represents.
I say ‘of yours' because there are many super healthful lean bodies,
Much like we can’t judge a larger body for health,
Similarly we can’t a smaller.
 
To me now,
That level of lean (of my body) means the following,
Preoccupied,
Closed-off,
Avoidant,
Disconnected,
Hurting (and hiding it through food and exercise control),
Unsexy (to me),
Tired,
Half-hearted (instead of our favourite whole-hearted living).
 
Not the messy,
Full-life living,
Soft,
Super sex-drived (always a fun place to be who needs a drunk text when you have ovulation texts am I right girls),
Full-spectrum of emotions-feeling,
Well-rested,
Peaceful,
Open hearted person I am now.
 
As I look back at old photos of myself I find myself thinking,
I wonder what I was hurting about back then,
In that moment,
Do you need a hug babe. 
 
There is no ‘look’ of a together woman,
There is no ‘look’ of a healthy body,
And certainly no ‘look’ of a healthy mind.

But it’s important we remember that too when we find ourselves controlling always in the hope of leanness,
As we make false assumptions of others for their body size,
Do whatever we can to ‘stay as we are’,
Or imagine our happiness if we were ‘just 5kg lighter’.

Reframe your relationship with control,
Rewrite what leanness means to you,
Only then will you quiet that inner conflict you feel day-in and day-out,
Only then will you begin to find peace with your body.
 
Have a lovely weekend,
I’m always here,
Em x