It’s the first ‘bad body image’ day I’ve had in as long as I can remember
 
Wednesday started with a 3am alarm before a morning of travel, arriving in Malta, a quick rental car change of outfit before spending the afternoon in the beautiful city of Valetta, a delicious. Oakberry (aka one of my favourite ever acai bowls and travel foods) finished with work that I love, a beautiful take out salad and a solid 8 hour sleep
 
Interspersed with a month out of date cream of rice that made me nauseas for about an hour but we can bypass that and pretend pregnancy chat rooms that fearmonger you that you’re going to die after eating something past its sell by date don’t exist 
 
By all accounts, it was a great day. Yet when I hopped on the EIQ call with Em later in the evening, I felt off (not just from the month-out of date cream)

 
I was uncomfortable, physically. I was sweaty and windswept and full yet hungry with some indigestion and also very tired yet very tight from having done no yoga or solid movement all day 
 
We’d taken some photos earlier in the day too and having looked at them, I didn’t love what I saw (except the photos of Anna and my food and the scenes I loved all of these things)
 
I surmised that alas, it was a ‘bad body image’ day

 
I’m still getting used to my pregnancy body. At home, my lulu’s and baggy t’s provide much needed comfort, rarely looking in the mirror except to massage oil deep into my bump and have a little chat to him
 
In the outside world, I realise I don’t know what to wear. On this day of travel, I had to admit defeat and finally wear a bra in public (deeply upsetting but turns out these knockers now hit my belly and require a little more support than my B cups ever did). My vest kept riding up my stomach and I was actuely aware of everyone around me looking at my burgeoning belly as I slowly crawled past. My (sized up sports) bra was cutting into the new folds that have developed around my chest, upper arms and back, enhancing my awareness of the additional size I’m carrying around my upper body 
 
I don’t know how to stand in photos that feels comfortable in my new body. Everything feels awkward. I don’t understand how my body takes up space anymore. I realised that day that I am very much the awkward millennial when a camera hits me at the moment (as opposed to how chill and photogenic I am every other time of my life of course…)
 
I’m also very, very hungry. I don’t compare how much I eat to those around me anymore or I’d have lost my mind many years ago given all my friends are incredible at honouring their own needs and bodies now. Back in the day, I hated when I felt the need to eat more than other people and a small part of me this day realised just how much I’m eating at the moment
 
In fact, it’s an entirely different ball game. I am hungry almost every second of the day. I have to eat more regularly than ever, snack more than ever, or I’ll end up shaking and sweating and having to order a soup and bread as a starter whilst waiting for others to order their lunch (yes this happened to me last weekend)
 
All in all, after a very long day (once I was and am incredibly grateful for), I felt quite blah
 
In true universe fashion, that same day I had 3 people comment on how ‘good I look pregnant’ which seems like something that would help me in this moment – bad body image, compliment someone’s body, all is resolved, no?
 
As lovely and kind-meaning as those words were, they weren’t what I needed and actually for me, reminded me that people were in fact, judging how my body looked
 
We often think if we achieve a certain body and get sufficient compliments on that body then our body image will improve but actually we see the opposite and appearance-based compliments are generally not supportive of a positive body image

 
Here’s what I needed (and therefore what I did)
 
A mindful shower, noticing the external senses as opposed in this moment, to checking inward to my body. Both have their place, but often when our bodies feel a little less safe, the outward check in is more accessible and helpful
 
Baggy, comfortable, soft and soothing clothes. I invested a while back in half price super soft pyjamas and cost per wear has been fantastic – the sensory soothing they offer is unrivalled
 
Connection and to be heard. I spoke to Em about it, I knew it was ‘silly’ but that didn’t invalidate my feelings. She didn’t try to fix it, but just gave me the space and reminder it’s not silly
 
Nutritional gifting for my body. We ordered a big, varied salad for dinner (and I of course, a protein ball dessert) so my actions could show my body – I love you, I care for you, you’re doing great at keeping me alive
 
I better outfit today – a little stretch of sun means that as I write this email, I’m in my bikini sunning my ass cheeks at my balcony standing desk. I don’t feel restricted in my clothes. Restrictive clothing is one of the worst things for your body image
 
I got out in nature. This morning, we took a walk along the rocky beach (had planned a morning sunrise swim but the gale force winds mean I would have been swept out to see never to care about my body image again). Being in the vastness of nature when you’re stuck in your body thoughts reminds you of your insignificance as a human, let alone the insignificance of many of your worries. It offers connection to the wider world and a reminder that we are all here to be present one day, and gone the next, and what a gift that is

There's an ETPHD tool we use called beauty hunting (glimmer finding if you will). We encourage people we work with to take a picture each day of a natural beautiful moment - a sunset, a cherry blossom, a delicious pastry, and they add it to their beauty hunting bank. I found this technique in a research paper once hidden away, and it helps simply to return the focus of beauty to the natural world and away from our bodies and our heads. I do this every single day, today included
 
I did a quick yoga session. We opened the blinds and did yoga to the sun coming up. Giving my body a moment when it felt safter to reconnect inwards (after a solid 8 hour sleep) offered a reminder that my felt sense, my inner connectedness is what matters more than anything else when it comes to my body image
 
I continued living my life. This body image flexibility (noting harder body image days but choosing not to allow them to change our actions) is a key predictor and maintenance factor of a positive body image. It’s the difference between feel bad in your body, letting it impact your mood for the rest of the day, and therefore your behaviours, and naming it as objectively what it is, a normal fluctuation in how you feel about your body, and continuing on with life

Of course, I practiced body functionality appreciation and awareness. A staple ETPHD body image tool and a very easy one to do when you're creating an actual human inside your body. Naming one thing your body allows, and expressing your gratitude towards it (you can do this in your head)

 
I share my internal dialogue with you in the hope that we can normalise together some things
 
A positive body image doesn’t look like loving the way we look, sometimes actually, ever
 
Some of us have rogue days where we struggle, and others have rogue days where we feel good
 
Regardless of how we feel about the outside, what allows us to live a life without our body negatively impacting us (or rather, our thoughts about our body negatively impacting us) is how we respond to the moments that feel harder
 
How we allow our thoughts to dictate and direct our actions 
 
Do they debilitate us, take away from our one precious life and lead us to eat in a destructive way?
 
Or do they direct us to re-establish moments of connection to ourselves, others and the outside world, allowing us live more wholeheartedly than we have before?
 
I’d love you to get curioius about it this weekend – how does your body impact how you do things?
 
If’s it’s negatively, I wonder, what tools above will you promise to yourself to try out?
 
And if you’re free next weekend, come along to the ETPHD body reconnection event
 
Mostly, have a wonderful, present and joyful weekend
 
I’m always here,
Em