The number of mistakes I was making in my writing was ludicrous,

My Reynaud’s was adding at least an hour on to my workday,

I mean really,

When the hell did it get so cold in the UK?

On Tuesday,

I spent my entire working day by my log fire,

Cute and cosy and deliciously warm,

Pretending to be in one of those Hallmark Christmas movies,

You know the ones that star Vanessa Hudgens and a man that looks like every image of Prince Charming we were ever shown.

But before threw the logs on the fire,

For a fleeting moment I thought,

Is it worth it,

For just me?

Is it worth using my dwindling supply of logs,

Spending my valuable time poking and prodding the kindling,

When I could just wear my fourth jumper,

And maybe a pair of gloves?

Christ almighty,

Why do we do that?

Is it worth prepping a colourful, nutrient-filled dinner that takes an hour to make when it’s ‘just me’ eating it?

It it worth baking the Lucy Lord carrot cake filled with magic and love when it’s ‘just me’ to savour it?

Is it worth ordering the takeaway that I’m really craving on a Friday when it’s ‘just me’ who’s enjoying it?

It never seems to be worth it,

Does it?

You eat what’s in the fridge,

Skip the soulful Sunday baking session,

Eat your beans on toast on a Friday,

Because you didn’t listen to Cheryl Cole when she told you,

That you’re worth it.

The problem with this?

Every time we choose to act in a way that doesn’t serve us confirms to us that we are not worthy of the right decision for us,

It confirms the narrative,

You are not worthy.

Let’s use men as an example,

My favourite topic.

If I had an inherent low self-worth,

I’d pick men that confirmed that belief to me,

Men who were prone to cheating or negging or who I knew would leave,

All in a way that would confirm to me that see,

I am worthless.

Because when we feel we are right, we feel we are safe, and feeling safe is easier to sit with than feeling uncertain.

Something I used to say to my little sister is that we set the standard for how we are treated,

And for us to know what being treated well looks like,

We need to model it on ourselves first.

Sometimes we have to act like someone who has self-respect,

Even before we respect ourselves,

Show ourselves and our bodies that they are worthy with our behaviours,

Even before we feel worthy ourselves.

You don’t need the presence of another person to be worthy of spending time,

Money,

Calories,

Or God damn logs.

The cost-of-living crisis right now is truly balls,

It’s hitting us all in ways we never imagined,

But as you buy the Aldi version of your favourite foods because they taste identical to the Tesco ones,

I urge you to consider,

Are my day-to-day actions the way I’d treat someone that I love?

Or am I telling myself every day that I don’t deserve anything that brings me joy,

Peace,

Or simply meets my basic human needs?

Are my actions every day showing me that I am worthy as I am?

Because you are,

You know?

Yes even you who messed up at work,

And you who cheated on your partner,

And you who feels lost right now,

You’re still worth lighting the fire for.