I forgot my air pods for flying to Vienna last week,

I had a 2-and-a-half-hour flight with only a pen and paper and a poor man with a chest infection (not COVID, as he reassured me, 2 years later) for company,

I say that like if it had been anyone but Craig David I’d have chatted to them,

It’s me,

I would choose silence 98% of the time.

I had to journal,

The universe was forcing me into it and to be quite honest,

It had been a week or two since my last confession,

So I whipped out the wee notebook I’d found in one of the 421 airport WH smith stores,

And I thought fine,

Let’s do this.

 

90 minutes later and I’d lost the most weight I had since my bodybuilding glorified emaciation days,

What a revelation it was.

Questions I threw at myself during that tiny little Ryanair flight through the snow were things like:

What am I thinking about that situation?

Word vomit everything.

What story am I telling myself about that?

Is it thought or is it fact?

If it is fact, what can I, and do I want to change about it?

 

I won’t tell you the ins and outs of my mind,

It’s nearly Christmas and I’ll save that dark little gift for those who have to love me,

But at one point,

The story that I was telling myself surprised me,

That I’m unlovable,

Ouch.

Look,

I know I’m pretty damn loveable,

In fact, day-to-day,

I pride myself in knowing my worth,

I’ve listened to hours of Lizzo and read pages and pages of Glennon,

I know I’m actually pretty great as the cheetah I am,

As you all are.

But that unlovable (god it really stings to say it) feeling,

I didn’t even realise it was in there,

It was a non-obvious feeling in response to a non-obvious situation,

But it was driving these behaviours in me that I didn’t like,

And a lot of overthinking.

You know when you struggle to concentrate on anything except work?

Because as soon as you put the laptop down, 

The overthinking arises in you like the hot flush after your first sip of wine?

So you keep working or keep drinking wine or keep distracting yourself with literally anything so you don’t have to let your brain overthink that same thing, yet again?

I'd been that level of overthinking lately. 

I say work and wine, 

Many of you can probably better relate to food and exercise,

Using them to distract yourself so hard so you don’t need to think about those stories you’re telling yourself too,

But that's for another day.

 

When I journaled some more,

I wrote down all the reasons that the ‘I’m unlovable’ narrative wasn’t true, 

All the evidence that I had,

I realised on that paper,

I was creating a situation that didn’t exist based on a deep-rooted fear that wasn’t even true,

Idiot.

The reason I’m telling you this is three-fold,

Much like Chandler’s lessons from the box.

 

The first,

Journal, 

Please.

When you don’t want to is usually when you need to the most,

We avoid it when we don’t want to face the reality of our thoughts,

We don’t want to let go of our preoccupation or behaviours,

We don’t want to lean into the discomfort.

 

It is at these times, 

We need it the most.

Writing has the power to take everything out of your head,

Give you the clarity and insight of a settling snowglobe, 

From a brain you didn’t even realise had been shaken so hard,

The snowman had almost fallen over.

This time of year gives us a gift of slowing down, 

With stores closed and work meetings stopped, 

We have a unique opportunity to get a little more introspective,

Take advantage of it.

 

The second,

We all have weird hard thoughts and feelings, 

You are not alone,

And at this time of year we get used to shoving them down, 

Often with a mince pie or 6.

 

Let’s be festive,

Be merry and bright, 

Let’s be grateful that we have anyone we love around us,

If we do.

Let’s embrace rest like it’s an easy thing to do. 

Let’s reflect on the year and all our achievements,

Be proud of everything we’ve done.

 

My god Susan,

Will you just let me feel a little bit overwhelmed for a second please hun?

However you feel right now is valid,

And I guess I wanted to remind you of that,

Remind you that billions of people across the world feel the same way,

You don’t have to ‘just be grateful’ for what you’ve got,

But you can hold space for both. 

The final reason I'm sharing is this:

I share with you my stories because I am you. 

We are all part of this collective consciousness of the world,

We are all part of the same earth, 

The same air, 

The same human experience.

 

I feel how you’ve felt,

And although I haven’t lived your experiences,

I see your struggles,

I hear your pain,

I live for your joy, 

Because we are all humans just trying to find peace and love and connection and safety and success,

Whatever that looks like for us. 

If you ever find yourself overthinking,

Feeling lonely,

Unlovable,

Like an imposter,

Broken, 

I hope you can remember this.

We all feel the same sometimes, 

These feelings too are part of the human experience,

We owe it to ourselves to recognise and accept them,

Not squash them or ignore them,

Then to challenge them, 

And allow them to pass through us,

Avoiding all brussels sprouts Christmas dinner jokes that are searing my brain right now.

Whatever you do this Christmas, 

If you even celebrate it at all,

I hope you spend time writing, 

Freeing your mind from the lies you tell yourself, 

Allowing yourself the full range of human emotion, 

And nurturing yourself with the gift of common humanity, 

And the realisation that we’re all in this weird thing we call life together,

All just doing our best.